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Vlad!
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« on: September 02, 2004, 06:53:59 PM » |
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I have to write a series of poems for my creative writing class, the first one due on Monday. Since I'm not a very skilled poet and many of you pholks are, I would appreciate criticism and suggestions on this work:
Virus
Jester sits making a ha-ha sound
unknown in his world, which an earlier
age would call laughter. Looks down
at peoplestreams flowing into around
buildings, eddies and whorls forming as
bodies move thisway-thatway along
concrete estuaries and out glass-doored deltas.
Faces frozen in morbid rictus rainbowlines
perpetually inverted.
Jester makes a bdee-bdee-bdee sound
with his lips as plans hatched grow to
fruition. Stands with a dingle-ding of
bells and runs through corridors echoing
with longforgotten footfall. Dragging large
containers to the roof takes hardly-noticed effort.
Dulls are still milling, millions now that third
shift done. Jester dances grins. Tubs are now
at the edge.
Kerspat thudthudthud the dulls look up.
Barely comprehending...a tinyrubberballerfall?
Minute spheroids hit ground and rocket
as one into the sky updown updown rolling
on the ground underfoot. Confused faces
that have never smiled not knowing what to
do looking uncertainly around. Strange multicolorman
dancing cavorting gamboling in the street, saying
bdee bdee bdee.
Whats this says the bigheadman. We
cant have disorder in our fair city.
Wats thas replies the Jester. Wa
cant haave dasardar an ar far saty.
Bigheadman might say be serious, but no
other possibility occurs to him. Jester
drums fingers on the table badum bum bum bum.
Stop that growls bigheadman. You know the law.
It will be painless.
Jester is nolonger Jester. He is Edward
wears a suit goes to work Jones. Neurons confused
rearranged now conformist and dour. Face
no longer knows how to smile. It was for the best
says the bigheadman to his secretary.
He is now a productive member of society.
Door opens and he leaves, opens again. What was
that asks bigheadman. Secretary headshakes. Bigheadman
shrugging says I must have imagined it.
Bdee bdee bdee.
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If you don’t have freedom as a principle, you can never see a reason not to make an exception. There are constantly going to be times when for one reason or another there’s some practical convenience in making an exception.
rms
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enemy anemone
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« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2004, 07:00:38 PM » |
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I love it-- what a vivid picture, and the sounds! bdee bdee bdee.
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Vlad!
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« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2004, 10:42:01 PM » |
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My second poetic effort is done. It's about the Chinese pictograph for the word moon, and since I thought it wouldn't display right here I put it in PDF format. You can read it here if you are so inclined. Comments and suggestions are, as always, welcomed. |
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If you don’t have freedom as a principle, you can never see a reason not to make an exception. There are constantly going to be times when for one reason or another there’s some practical convenience in making an exception.
rms
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enemy anemone
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« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2004, 01:52:21 AM » |
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I like it. as pictorial as they're supposed to be, Chinese characters are not exactly intuitive, and I've always enjoyed hearing explanations of them. also, I think the haiku style really complements the subject. the poem reminded me that one of my first favorite words was the Chinese word for moon. my mom said that I would always point at the moon and say the word. (but perhaps all children do that?) there's also this Chinese song to the moon that she said I really liked (and I suspect that I made her sing it to me all the time). now that I think of it, I have a different impression of the moon if I think about it as the Chinese word--it's more magical, mysterious, and beautiful. when I think of the English word I think of Neil Armstrong walking on the moon, or the cow jumped over the moon, or green cheese, or the man in the moon going  , or the funniness of the presence of "moo" in the moon. it sounds funny in English to say we love the moon (spongmonkeys, anyone?) but thinking back, I really did have a love for the moon and there wasn't anything comical about it. the poem reflects that feeling. so yeah, I like.  |
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Vlad!
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« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2004, 11:21:45 AM » |
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If you don’t have freedom as a principle, you can never see a reason not to make an exception. There are constantly going to be times when for one reason or another there’s some practical convenience in making an exception.
rms
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enemy anemone
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« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2004, 05:53:35 PM » |
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I had to look up Adrianople. if I understand correctly, the army you're referring to is the Roman army, and they were defeated at Adrianople?
I especially like the ants and trickle of water description.
...and I wish others would leave feedback. :\
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Vlad!
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« Reply #6 on: September 19, 2004, 06:27:54 PM » |
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Once I turn these poems in I get feedback from all 18 classmates plus the teacher, so it's not like I'm getting NO love, but the phorum certainly has drifted away from poetry appreciation. I had to look up Adrianople. if I understand correctly, the army you're referring to is the Roman army, and they were defeated at Adrianople? Yes. Some people refer to the battle of Adrianople as the beginning of the end of the Roman Empire. The Romans had not been treating the Visigoths very well, so they revolted. Emperor Valens made the poor decision to not wait for reinforcements before attacking. The Roman army in its prime might have made a better showing, and certainly would have been able to withdraw without as heavy losses, but they ended up being annihilated and Valens killed. I wanted the poem to have a sort of 'Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair' irony to it. I hope that it at least in part succeeded. |
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If you don’t have freedom as a principle, you can never see a reason not to make an exception. There are constantly going to be times when for one reason or another there’s some practical convenience in making an exception.
rms
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Vlad!
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« Reply #7 on: October 04, 2004, 06:20:36 PM » |
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Here is my latest...but I'm not sure I'm going to use it. After I wrote it, I realized that it bears a striking resemblance to the movie Road to Perdition, and I'd rather be original. Not that I had RtP in mind when I wrote it, but no doubt it influenced me subconsciously...
The Game He Played
It's so easy to kill a human being.
Flash, bang, little moan, meaty thud.
Seven billion lives on this planet--
one less? Who cares.
People come to me with their problems.
I play the game, I deliver the goods.
Day ends, I go home to a loving wife
Lying dead on the floor.
Too many holes in her head.
Who? Why?
It's so easy to kill a human being.
Seven billion people.
Sometimes the game you play
Ends up playing you.
One less, who cares?
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If you don’t have freedom as a principle, you can never see a reason not to make an exception. There are constantly going to be times when for one reason or another there’s some practical convenience in making an exception.
rms
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enemy anemone
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« Reply #8 on: October 04, 2004, 06:28:33 PM » |
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wow. use it.
the split second after I read the first line of the second stanza, I was like, no, there's a mistake because it sounds like... then I read on. very effective.
do you have to read the poems in front of the class? will the feedback you get be written or verbal?
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Vlad!
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« Reply #9 on: October 04, 2004, 06:36:24 PM » |
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wow. use it.
the split second after I read the first line of the second stanza, I was like, no, there's a mistake because it sounds like... then I read on. very effective.
do you have to read the poems in front of the class? will the feedback you get be written or verbal? The way it works is, I read the poem aloud, then I can't talk anymore. The others participating then make comments and suggestions, which I listen to but cannot respond to. Then each person hands me a copy of my poem with their comments and editations on it. The understanding is, this is my poem and I can take any (or none) of the suggestions, but they're there for me to read. The reason I can't talk is because if I were to publish these poems, each of them would have to stand on their own without me there telling the reader what it's about. It's fairly enlightening. I'm glad you liked it. |
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If you don’t have freedom as a principle, you can never see a reason not to make an exception. There are constantly going to be times when for one reason or another there’s some practical convenience in making an exception.
rms
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RokrantheGreat
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« Reply #10 on: October 04, 2004, 10:53:59 PM » |
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Might get some weird looks on that one, but well written. =)
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\"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the former.\" - Albert Einstein
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