The Grandon Estate

[Harenil]

[RokrantheGreat]

The ending's a little weak.

Rokranthegreat AKA Harenil's editor/proofreader

[Harenil]

Indeed it is, but I had a word limit to work with, and I thought the beginning and middle was mroe important.

[RokrantheGreat]

Um. The ending is IMPORTANT. The reader gets his/her last impression from the ENDING.

[Harenil]

I think the main content is more important than the ending, so I decided to use more of my words in the beginning/middle.  You shouldn't get your opinion of a story just by the ending...

[RokrantheGreat]

You don't get all of the opinion of a story based on the ending, but you get ALOT of it. Deciding to write the beginning and middle "better" than the ending is not advisable. Try to make the WHOLE thing as good as you can make it. What's your word limit, btw?  And are they super strict about it? You know no one who isn't couting can tell the difference between, say, 500 and 600 words.

[Vlad!]

My thoughts as I read this:

Dringentown is kind of a stupid name. Towns with stupid names do exist, but with fiction it has to be plausible; even if a town does exist by that name, it sounds made-up.

You say however too much, especially at the start of a sentence. Try using other words, or (better yet) not contradicting yourself so much.

I agree that the ending is a bit weak, though I can sympathise with word-limit issues. You might want to rework it now that you are less constrained.

My biggest suggestion is this: your narration style is conversational but otherwise very dry. Always always show rather than tell. For example, consider this:
]]One day, a man can to Drigentown. His name was Luponius Mainer. He was a curious man, and set out to meet everyone in the town. He figured the best place to start would be the tavern. Upon visiting the tavern, Luponius spoke to several individuals. All they said to Luponius was that he should stay away from the Grandon Mansion.[[

This is wordy, descriptive, and somewhat stilted. Wordiness is a trait that I too deal with, and it is not always bad. But it's much better to show your readers things and let them form their own decisions. To wit:

The quiet lives of the Dringentownians was interrupted one day by the arrival of a stranger. Like most of the few visitors to the hamlet, he headed straight for the tavern. After ordering what passed for ale in those parts, he began talking with the other patrons, all understandably curious about this visitor.
"What's your name, stranger?" grunted one, meaty hands wrapped around the inevitable tankard. "Luponius," the stranger replied. The listeners waited, perhaps expecting a second name to follow, but none came. Finally, another piped up. "Where you from?"
The man waved his hand in the general direction of the southern highway. "I've come up from Oldham."
"Not much of a talker, are ye? Well, no harm in that, I suppose. But ye'd to well to stay clear of the old Grandon place while ye're here. A mighty queer place it is, and no mistake."
At this, the stranger raised his eyebrows. "Oh?" he asked.

After this, your dialogue does a good job of continuing the story. But I hope this meager example (which I concocted on the spot, so I admit it isn't the best demonstration of literary prowess) shows how you can demonstrate the facts and let your readers form their own opinions. This will result in deeper characters and a much greater impact on your audience.

As a side note, this short story reminds me of some by H.P. Lovecraft. I keep pushing him on anyone who seems to show a spark of interest in the slightly outre, and I think you might enjoy some of his fiction, especially his short stories and his short novel The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath

[Harenil]

Thanks for the feedback. I haven't edited it since last year. I wrote it a 2:00 am. I wasn't originally going to submit a story, but I came up with an idea, so I wrote it down, and edited it in the morning. =D

Dringentown, it's a 2am name... Sounded fantasy enough.

If you knew what kinda hair brained judges were judging this contest, you wouldn't say that. It they aren't interested right at the beginning, they won't like it. Um... what instances did I contradict myself?

I as thinking of turning this into a full 2500 word short story, maybe I will.

My writing style is based off what I like to read in authors. I like the conversational style, it creates a feel that I find easier to get into, but whatever floats your boat... or sinks it.
 

About what you wrote, perhaps I would have gone with something like that, had I not waited until the last minute before writing it. I didn't want the tavern to be the main focal point of the story, but I wanted it to have a point.


Again, thanks for your criticism, it was very helpful. Did you happen to read "Silver or Steel?" my current project?

[Vlad!]

"Contradict yourself' was probably a bad phrase. What I meant was, don't write in such a way that you are using however a lot. Since the word however is usually used to indicate a contradiction ("she seemed fat, however that was just the five layers of clothes she had on") then that's sort of what I meant.

What I wrote about the tavern was an example about what I thought the whole story should be like. Though I suppose then it would be my story using your idea, so take it or leave it. There's nothing wrong with the narrative style as a whole, but even then you can show rather than tell (if you haven't noticed, that's my writing mantra: show, don't tell ). So the whole story would end up being longer, but that is rarely a bad thing.

And I meant to include this, but forgot and left it off: I think the story as a whole is good, though (as mentioned) the presentation lacks in places. Interestingly, and hence my comment, you and Lovecraft share the same traits...your stories both are somewhat macabre or creepy and you favor the twist endings, but you also both go off on wordy narration and description so much that much of your stories' impact is lost in the phraseology.

I'm glad to give feedback, and I intend to read your other story, possibly tomorrow. It's late enough, though, that I'm afraid any feedback I gave at this point would be barely coherent and not very helpful (it's 11:45 here, and I like to read over stories at least three times before writing all my comments).

Thanks for sharing. I like to see activity on the literature board, and I know that it's tough to post work of one's own in front of peers that one respects. When I posted my poems in the poetry thread, I was afraid that either nobody would like it or nobody would comment on it. Fortunately, Schil saved me from both of those ignominious fates

[Harenil]

[RokrantheGreat]

One more time, thanks for the feedback.

Oh sure thank him for the feedback. Just cause his feedback is like an essay itself and mine's a simple sentence or two.  

[Harenil]

[RokrantheGreat]

There we go, was that so hard?