I want a divorce.

[murlough23]

Don't take that title the wrong way. I'm a happily married guy. And my wife, assuming she's being honest with me (which is a pretty safe assumption, since she's as bad at lying as I am), is a happily married gal.

But I want my parents to get a divorce.

Why would someone ever wish for that? Well, it has to do with a decision my Dad made well over 15 years ago to essentially walk out on our family. It left my Mom all alone to raise two kids on a teacher's salary, which she actually managed to do, but for pretty much her entire life since then, she's had to get by on scraps, due to only being able to work intermittently. See, she decided to make teaching her profession after having us kids, and got enough of the required educational units out of the way by going to college part-time... which she could no longer do once she was the single, full-time parent. Requirements for teachers have gotten stricter and stricter over the years, and it's basically gotten to the point where she can't work in her desired profession despite having 20+ years of experience teaching preschoolers and kintergardeners. She was able to get that much experience basically due to being "grandfathered in" at the private school she was already teaching that, but ever since that school came under new management in 2001, the only steady job she's had was at another private school that closed in 2006. Now any teaching jobs that she manages to get are intermittent at best. And it's all because of how the resume looks to people who don't know her personally. It makes it difficult for her to even support her most basic needs - repeated tries to get jobs anywhere, even basic retail stuff, have led to failure and I think it largely has to do with age discrimination and other factors beyond her control.

OK, so why are her current problems my Dad's fault? I suppose the fault is only indirect, but normally, an unemployed person in this country can expect to at least collect some small amount of unemployment, which my Mom can't due, because the house she lives in is deemed to be worth too much for her to be eligible. OK, so why can't she just sell the house? She'd love to. It's actually worth a decent amount of money due to its location, even if the house itself is a piece of crap falling apart at the seams. But she bought it with my Dad, and despite the fact that she's been paying for it all by herself (with help from me and my brother more recently) for more than half the time she's been living in it (pretty much since right before I was born), he still technically co-owns it. It's all paid for now, and it would be a damn good way for her to get some money and get back on her feet if not for my Dad, who evades all attempts to get a hold of him and who basically won't give my Mom an inch unless we take legal action... which, of course, we probably can't afford.

Which I guess means a divorce is going to be costly and messy as well... but damn, I wish they had gotten that out of the way years ago. That's the messed up thing, that emotionally speaking, their marriage was over a good 15 years ago, and as much as I know God hates divorce, I kind of figure that deed has already been done in God's eyes. There's no reconciling at this point... they've been well beyond that point for ages now. The only remaining attachment is a mere legality that only serves to ensure that my Mom will continue getting kicked in the butt for the rest of her natural life. It's basically a power that my Dad still has over her.

I don't even know why I'm ranting about this, other than because I'm at my wits' end and I hate to watch my Mom go through such a hopeless situation where she can't even have the dignity of working to earn a living that seems like such a basic thing any person should be allowed to do. it just makes me want to make my Dad pay. And I have the feeling that no court in America would be sympathetic to his side of the story.

So, this is why I want my parents to get a divorce. Thank you for reading.

(And if I've seemed a bit pissy for, oh I don't know, about the last year or so, then yeah, this is largely why.)

[Aaron]

David, I applaud your candor in discussing this matter and explaining why you've been rather testy.  I'll be praying for your family and the situation.  I can't imagine the stress your mom is under with all of that and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

[Vlad!]

Sounds like a pretty crappy situation. For what it's worth, I agree with you on pretty much all points. A divorce is the ending of a marriage, and a marriage is not a piece of paper. The fact that your parents are still married in the eyes of the state of California (assuming that is where they live) is more of a legal oddity than a binding relationship, and I agree as well that a legal divorce should have been obtained long ago. I can say that easily being emotionally detached from the situation, but I realize it's not that easy to do. The good news is that, legally speaking, it should be pretty easy, and hopefully inexpensive.

Age discrimination in employment sucks. TBH, I can't understand why a retail outlet wouldn't be interested in her--she'd probably be harder-working and more reliable than your average teenager or college student. If I'm shopping somewhere and I see a middle-aged employee, I don't think "oh, this place is so uncool for having someone like that working here", I think "oh, here's someone who might actually know what he/she is talking about, so let's ask my question here".

I hope it manages to work out for you guys.

[murlough23]

David, I applaud your candor in discussing this matter and explaining why you've been rather testy.

Well, not that I can blame it all on that... I think some of it's just innate.

But admitting personal stuff actually isn't that hard on me; you'll find that I'm normally a pretty open person. Admitting that I was wrong about music... well, that's like pulling teeth, but that's another topic.

I'll be praying for your family and the situation.  I can't imagine the stress your mom is under with all of that and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

Thanks.

[murlough23]

The fact that your parents are still married in the eyes of the state of California (assuming that is where they live) is more of a legal oddity than a binding relationship, and I agree as well that a legal divorce should have been obtained long ago. I can say that easily being emotionally detached from the situation, but I realize it's not that easy to do.

Yes, they do both live in California. As difficult as my Dad makes it to find him, I know he's still lurking somewhere in the greater Los Angeles area.

And believe me, my Mom fully realizes that it was dumb to not go through with the divorce while she could have afforded to do so. My Dad talked her out of it with the possibility of them reconciling as a dangling carrot in front of her, but he never really intended to do so. I think he was just biding his time until us kids were grown up and he wouldn't have to pay child support. She's gone, "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" over this many times and smacked her own forehead with the force of a thousand "Coulda had a V-8"s.

The good news is that, legally speaking, it should be pretty easy, and hopefully inexpensive.

California law does seem to make divorces take longer, but I think it would only be costly if my Dad contested the terms, which, since ownership of the house is on the table, he probably will.

TBH, I can't understand why a retail outlet wouldn't be interested in her--she'd probably be harder-working and more reliable than your average teenager or college student. If I'm shopping somewhere and I see a middle-aged employee, I don't think "oh, this place is so uncool for having someone like that working here", I think "oh, here's someone who might actually know what he/she is talking about, so let's ask my question here".

I think there might be two factors in play - one, you're over fifty and overweight, so how am I supposed to believe you can hop to it and get the job done quickly? And two, your resume shows an education background, so you're obviously in between jobs and will bail as soon as you get a good lead on something that gets you back on track with your desired career. The coolness factor likely isn't an issue - I mean come on, she was working at Target last year.

I hope it manages to work out for you guys.

Thanks. I was feeling pretty hopeless today, but we at least have a better sense of how to attack the problem, rather than me committing to throw money I can't always be sure that I'll have at her bills month after month. it may lead to a messy legal battle, but if she can get his name off that house, the whole thing will pay for itself. And then she will move to somewhere where it's much cheaper to buy a house, and where it actually snows during the Christmas season. And she will be happy.

[Aaron]

Hey, you quoted me in that last post but that was probably Vlad..not me.

[murlough23]

Hey, you quoted me in that last post but that was probably Vlad..not me.

I must have failed to copy over what I had previously copied to quote you.

[Vlad!]

I think there might be two factors in play - one, you're over fifty and overweight, so how am I supposed to believe you can hop to it and get the job done quickly? And two, your resume shows an education background, so you're obviously in between jobs and will bail as soon as you get a good lead on something that gets you back on track with your desired career. The coolness factor likely isn't an issue - I mean come on, she was working at Target last year.

Hm, you're quite possibly right about that.

Thanks. I was feeling pretty hopeless today, but we at least have a better sense of how to attack the problem, rather than me committing to throw money I can't always be sure that I'll have at her bills month after month. it may lead to a messy legal battle, but if she can get his name off that house, the whole thing will pay for itself. And then she will move to somewhere where it's much cheaper to buy a house, and where it actually snows during the Christmas season. And she will be happy.

I can't imagine why a court would not grant ownership of the house, especially if, as you implied, she's been the one paying of the mortgage this entire time. From what you've said, it sounds like she can be pretty confident of getting at least half of it.

[murlough23]

I can't imagine why a court would not grant ownership of the house, especially if, as you implied, she's been the one paying of the mortgage this entire time. From what you've said, it sounds like she can be pretty confident of getting at least half of it.

I am assuming that my Dad was paying the mortgage at the beginning, since he wouldn't allow my Mom to work when they first got married. So he might be entitled to some of it, if that's the only deciding factor.

Wouldn't let her work, wouldn't let her drive... I'm not sure what she ever saw in this guy, but I suppose I have her bad decision to thank for the fact that I exist.