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Vlad!
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« Reply #200 on: October 26, 2009, 06:42:05 PM » |
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<We recently got this new "process" where developers have to fill in a "test plan" and "code review notes" field for every bug fixed. One of the more highly-promoted developers, A, hates this process (well, we all do, but he hates it a lot)>
Me: Hey, A, you didn't fill out the test plan and code review for that bug
A: And I'm not going to. They can bite my ass.
Me: ...someday I hope to be promoted as high as I ever want to go.
A: It's nice.
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If you don’t have freedom as a principle, you can never see a reason not to make an exception. There are constantly going to be times when for one reason or another there’s some practical convenience in making an exception.
rms
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Vlad!
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« Reply #201 on: October 28, 2009, 03:21:28 PM » |
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A: Nathan, how much RAM does Mario have?
*I pause to giggle at this question*
Me: Let me check
Me: Hmm, looks like four gigs
A: Yeah, that's what it looks like. It's supposed to have 32!
Me: That's no good.
A: How incompetent are the people we buy these things from? It's supposed to have RAM! 4 gigs is a joke!
At this point I reminisce about my first computer that had four *megabytes* of RAM...and that was a ton.
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rms
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Vlad!
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« Reply #202 on: October 30, 2009, 01:27:14 PM » |
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<I'm eating dinner with a friend-of-a-friend who is studying economics at NYU. He's explaining this economic theory to me in terms of paying money to a girl in an attempt to have sex with her>
Me: You know, there have been several times now where I've heard economic theory explained in terms of sexual relationships.
Me: I think you guys don't really care about macroeconomics and market conditions, you just want to get laid.
Him: Why can't it be both?
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rms
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Vlad!
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« Reply #203 on: November 04, 2009, 08:47:30 AM » |
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I watched a video that one of my friends took of us after the Duke game (oh, those good old days), and it was hilarious. Here are some quotes:
A: You'll have to excuse me...
B: *Starts humming the Jaws theme and moves his wineglass in front of the camera*
A: I'm a fish!
Me: "You'll have to excuse me...I'm a fish"
A: Well someone had to excuse that statement
...
A: Jean shorts are just hideous
B: Well, white jean shorts are OK
A: Why white ones?
B: I'm from West Virginia. Those are formal wear.
...
A: As a member of the bourgeois...
Me: More like borgeois
A: *Facepalms*
B: Nathan fails at Star Trek
A: If we ever put this online we are editing it
...
C: OK, big finish, I'm giving it to you, A
*zooms in on A's face*
A: I just want to apologize for everything you've just seen and/or heard...I hope your sensibilities are still intact
B: *Starts in with the Jaws theme and the wineglass again*
A: And B's an asshole
Me: I apologize for nothing! I regret nothing!
B: That wasn't me; I regret pretty much everything that's happened since we returned home.
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If you don’t have freedom as a principle, you can never see a reason not to make an exception. There are constantly going to be times when for one reason or another there’s some practical convenience in making an exception.
rms
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Vlad!
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« Reply #204 on: November 04, 2009, 03:51:48 PM » |
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*A fires a nerf dart at me and misses horribly*
A: Never underestimate the usefulness of aiming
*A carefully takes aim and fires again, missing just as badly as before*
Me: Never overestimate its efficacy either
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« Last Edit: November 04, 2009, 04:06:27 PM by Vlad! »
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Vlad!
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« Reply #205 on: November 13, 2009, 05:33:28 PM » |
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Me: Holy crap, how do you write a VNC client that's worse than kvnc?
A: A lot of inbreeding?
*I fiddle around with some settings*
Me: That's better. It's nice of them to provide a checkbox that's essentially "make this program not suck"
Me: It's just a little disturbing that it defaults to unchecked...
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Vlad!
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« Reply #206 on: November 18, 2009, 02:52:10 PM » |
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Me: So when are they going to come up with a mechanical liver replacement? A: And one that can be worn outside the body! Me: Haha, it interfaces through USB portA: Nice Me: Steve Jobs had a liver transplant, right? He probably has the iLiver on lockdown Me: It works well, but it mysteriously fails sometime for no discernible reason, and when the battery goes bad you might as well throw it out and buy a new one. A: He has it trademarked already. Me: It probably uses 1394 [firewire], though. A: And requires you to be running iTunes. Me: ...in your body? A: Yes. |
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Vlad!
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« Reply #207 on: November 19, 2009, 04:09:22 PM » |
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<As I walk into my cube I see A, who sits a few cubes behind me, leaving>
Me: Bye, A
*A stops in her tracks*
A: Why are you saying goodbye to me?
Me: Um...because you're leaving?
A: You don't usually say goodbye to me!
Me: I don't usually see you leave.
Me: But if you prefer, I'll retract my statement of 'bye'.
A: No!
B: Congratulations, you two have just had the awkwardest conversation of the week.
Me: Business as usual for me then.
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enemy anemone
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« Reply #208 on: November 19, 2009, 04:38:26 PM » |
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the "no!" makes it hilarious, I don't know why.
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murlough23
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« Reply #209 on: November 19, 2009, 05:31:29 PM » |
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It's kind of funny that we've taken the "Good" out of "Goodbye", "Good morning", "Good night", etc., by contracting them to "Bye", "Morning", "Night", etc. So I guess we're just acknowledging that someone's leaving, or the time of day that it is, without expressing any hopes for the outcome of the person's departure or that segment of their day?
There I go taking things way too literally again...
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Vlad!
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« Reply #210 on: November 20, 2009, 12:49:00 PM » |
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Me, reading e-mail: Charity cornhole tournament? What in the world?
A: Dude, it's fun.
Me: The only definition I know of the word 'cornhole' is something you do in prison, and it's not for charity
A: Well, let me explain
*A grabs a marker and starts drawing on the whiteboard*
A: So you have these two dudes...
B, from across the aisle: Are you seriously whiteboarding cornholing?
A: Shut up.
*A explains cornholing*
Me: So it's basically ski-ball for hicks
A: I hate all of you.
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rms
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RedcoatJones
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« Reply #211 on: November 21, 2009, 07:56:00 AM » |
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Me, reading e-mail: Charity cornhole tournament? What in the world?
A: Dude, it's fun.
Me: The only definition I know of the word 'cornhole' is something you do in prison, and it's not for charity
A: Well, let me explain
*A grabs a marker and starts drawing on the whiteboard*
A: So you have these two dudes...
B, from across the aisle: Are you seriously whiteboarding cornholing?
A: Shut up.
*A explains cornholing*
Me: So it's basically ski-ball for hicks
A: I hate all of you.
 I've always thought of it as redneck horseshoes, but then horseshoes is kinda redneck, too.  |
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murlough23
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« Reply #212 on: November 21, 2009, 01:21:33 PM » |
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A co-worker comes by the other day after hearing I've been having problems setting up a database.
Co-worker: I'm here to service all of your database needs.
Me: Sure, I'm be glad to have you service me. (pause) That came out wrong.
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Vlad!
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« Reply #213 on: November 29, 2009, 10:51:55 PM » |
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<The older people in my parents' church have difficulty grasping the concept of someone my age voluntarily remaining single. The following conversation ensued between the pastor's wife and I>
Her: Will you be coming over for Christmas?
Me: Yeah.
Her: Do you want me to set you up?
Me: I'm sorry?
Her: Do you want me to set you up?
Me, genuinely confused: I'm not sure what you mean.
Her, exasperated: Do you want a date?
Me, laughing: No, thanks.
Her, with a longsuffering look at my mother: I tried.
(Apparently by "set me up" she meant "set me up the bomb").
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enemy anemone
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« Reply #214 on: November 29, 2009, 11:40:35 PM » |
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ha ha ha ha! you have no chance to survive make your time!
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Vlad!
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« Reply #215 on: November 30, 2009, 02:24:36 PM » |
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<A and I are discussing our holiday driving experiences>
A: It's a long drive to Mississippi, but once you get outside Atlanta, it's like the freaking Autobahn.
Me: Nice
A: Yeah, I was going about 85, and this guy whizzes by me so fast it rattles the window glass.
Me: Woah, so like in the 95-100 range?
A: At least.
A: It's also that way out in Phoenix. There's a 75 mph road that people take a lot faster.
Me: Dude, if you're going through Phoenix to get to Mississippi, you're doing it wrong.
Me, in falsetto: Honey, we're lost. Stop and ask for directions.
A: No, I'm sure they have deserts and cacti in Alabama.
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rms
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Vlad!
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« Reply #216 on: December 01, 2009, 05:45:47 PM » |
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Me: We need some new bug states: STUPID_QA_PERSON and STUPID_CODE
A: I like it how the person is stupid if it's QA's fault, but if it's Development's fault the code is stupid.
Me: ...yeah, I guess my bias is pretty evident there, isn't it?
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rms
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Vlad!
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« Reply #217 on: December 03, 2009, 02:47:41 PM » |
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<I look over at A; he has his headphones on and is checking out Google Reader>
Me: Hey, A!
*A is oblivious*
*I throw a beanbag at A. When it hits him he jumps several inches out of his chair in surprise*
A: What?
Me: I discovered that aria2 provides a very good facsimile of actually doing work.
A: Wait, what?
Me: You know, aria2, the download program?
A: Yeah...
Me: It spews a lot of stuff to the screen.
A: ...you hit me with a beanbag to tell me that aria2 writes a lot of logs?
Me: Well, it wasn't supposed to be that involved, but after you didn't respond it was either escalate or back down, and I don't back down.
A: I was deeply involved in work.
Me: You were reading your RSS feeds. I saw you.
A: We'll call it a draw.
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murlough23
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« Reply #218 on: December 03, 2009, 02:58:22 PM » |
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Vlad!, since you're always posting wisecracks between you and your co-workers, you'll probably appreciate this Email exchange:
Co-Worker A: Also, be aware that it was being reported that during this same period, other sites that we monitor were being hit with SQL injections from IP addresses in China, which may lead to the conclusion that if this was a coordinated attack, their might actually be one or more compromised rouge machines on the LosNettos network that needs to be forensically analyzed by Los Nettos.
Co-Worker B: Oh, and rouge = makeup while rogue = what you were talking about. Unless you meant that they were using red machines. Turn on trade chat in Orgrimmar for ten minutes and you’ll see ten people make and be mocked for the above mistake.
Me: Suddenly Sarah Palin’s book makes a lot more sense!
Co-Worker B: *golf clap*
Co-Worker C: Is that what Tiger gave his mistress?
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Vlad!
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« Reply #219 on: December 03, 2009, 03:12:20 PM » |
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Haha, excellent.
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murlough23
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« Reply #220 on: December 03, 2009, 03:18:36 PM » |
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I was also participating in another smart-assed Email exchange, just with Co-Worker B and no one else in the loop, yesterday when I suddenly got an Email from Co-Worker C saying "Get back to work, you two!" (Turns out B and C had been discussing the exchange on IM, but it looked like C had pulled a Big Brother and had access to Emails not sent to him.)
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Vlad!
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« Reply #221 on: December 03, 2009, 03:51:47 PM » |
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Maybe he was just employing heuristics.
Also, haha at "you to".
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murlough23
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« Reply #222 on: December 03, 2009, 03:53:54 PM » |
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Also, haha at "you to".
My typo, not his. |
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Vlad!
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« Reply #223 on: December 08, 2009, 03:05:45 PM » |
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<My team just got out of a brutal meeting>
Me: *Loud sigh*
A: Three more days.
Me, blank stare: Until what?
A: The weekend.
Me: The weekend is insufficient. I'm already counting down until Christmas.
A: You're like a downtime junkie.
Me: I'm starting to feel like it.
(Sorry if this quotation is more depressing than amusing. It made me chuckle.)
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Vlad!
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« Reply #224 on: December 08, 2009, 04:25:06 PM » |
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A: I think I just need to go home and review my list of reasons not to kill myself.
Me: Haha, is that just like a text file sitting on your desktop?
A: Reason 37: potatoes. They're delicious.
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enemy anemone
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« Reply #225 on: December 08, 2009, 05:30:13 PM » |
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boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew.
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murlough23
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« Reply #226 on: December 09, 2009, 12:36:17 AM » |
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More fun with Tiger Woods (I made this comment on a friend's Facebook page after he expressed his disappointment in Tiger's extracurricular activities): I'm not sure why we ever expected Tiger to be a moral role model. He's just a guy whose job it is to get balls into holes with the fewest strokes possible.
Wait, that came out wrong. |
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RedcoatJones
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« Reply #227 on: December 09, 2009, 03:16:55 PM » |
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Have a good friend who is an ER nurse who relayed this phone exchange from the weekend: Nurse: NAME OF HOSPITAL, what's your emergency? Caller: How long is the wait? Nurse: It's an emergency room...do you have an emergency? If so, come now or let us send an ambulance. If not, call your doctor in the morning. Caller: Oh. Can I go ahead and put my name on the waiting list? |
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murlough23
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« Reply #228 on: December 09, 2009, 03:22:45 PM » |
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That reminds me of when I went to the ER a few months back after slicing my finger open.
Receptionist: (looks at my bloody, gauzed finger) Are you left-handed?
Me: No.
Receptionist: Good. Please fill out these forms...
I suppose that if I had been left-handed, I could have just signed the forms in blood.
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Vlad!
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« Reply #229 on: December 09, 2009, 03:55:14 PM » |
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Have a good friend who is an ER nurse who relayed this phone exchange from the weekend: Nurse: NAME OF HOSPITAL, what's your emergency? Caller: How long is the wait? Nurse: It's an emergency room...do you have an emergency? If so, come now or let us send an ambulance. If not, call your doctor in the morning. Caller: Oh. Can I go ahead and put my name on the waiting list? Haha, that one should go on Not Always Right. I am actually weirded out about the emergency room for two reasons. First, because it's such a vibrant illustration of the relativity of emergencies. Something that might by my standards constitute a bona-fide medical emergency might by their standards be something that you have to sit around in the waiting room for, because the emergencies ahead of you are much more, er, emergent. And second, because it's an illustration of our population scale. At pretty much any given time, even in as unimpressive a city as Raleigh, Rex Hospital's emergency room will have someone in it. It's just weird to think that in the time it has taken me to type this post, someone somewhere has cut his finger off or broken her arm or was confused about which end of the chainsaw to hold. |
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murlough23
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« Reply #230 on: December 09, 2009, 04:14:38 PM » |
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Indeed. I was down at my local emergency room (which was packed on a Monday night, for some strange reason) for over 4 hours just to get a freaking X-ray and a couple stitches. I wasn't in any particular pain (the alcohol they used to clean my wound hurt more than the initial wound), and I had managed to slow the blood loss to the point where that wasn't a major concern, and I could still bend my finger so I knew there'd be no loss of motor skill. So when a woman came in having a miscarriage, I was thinking, "You know what, I'm good. I'll hang out here for a while." It put things in perspective. That said, they seemed ridiculously understaffed - I was literally operated on in the hallway of the triage room. I think I was more freaked out by the thought of some medical mayhem occurring within sight that might gross me out than I was about the fact that I had a swelling, festering wound that was waiting to be closed up.
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« Reply #231 on: December 09, 2009, 04:22:30 PM » |
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My best ER story is when I went in to have my appendix removed about eight years ago. I'd been having abdominal pain for a while, and it was getting worse. Since it was on the lower right side, obviously all bets were on the appendix. So we made a hospital appointment (*not* ER, but an actual legit appointment) and had it looked at. They said "um, looks like it's about to blow" and sent me to the ER. However, it was overworked and understaffed so I sat on a gurney in the hallway for about four hours. Finally my longsuffering mother (who had been with me the whole time) went to find out what was going on, and it turns out that the doctor who was supposed to take my appendix out was currently being operated on...to have his appendix taken out. There was a bit of who's on first-style confusion "he's having his appendix out" "I know he's going to have his appendix out, but we haven't seen the doctor" "yes, he's having his appendix out", and eventually I got some other doctor to remove the troublesome appendix.
(The denouement was also somewhat unsatisfying because it turns out they most likely did not actually need to remove my appendix. Oh well, live and learn).
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murlough23
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« Reply #232 on: December 09, 2009, 04:25:59 PM » |
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Finally my longsuffering mother (who had been with me the whole time) went to find out what was going on, and it turns out that the doctor who was supposed to take my appendix out was currently being operated on...to have his appendix taken out. There was a bit of who's on first-style confusion "he's having his appendix out" "I know he's going to have his appendix out, but we haven't seen the doctor" "yes, he's having his appendix out", and eventually I got some other doctor to remove the troublesome appendix. That is HILARIOUS. I'm surprised that happened in real life instead of an episode of Scrubs or something. (The denouement was also somewhat unsatisfying because it turns out they most likely did not actually need to remove my appendix. Oh well, live and learn). The upside is that you most likely do not need to have an appendix, so you won't miss it. NP: "Out of Control", Capital Lights |
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« Reply #233 on: December 11, 2009, 09:53:15 AM » |
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<Talking about televisions>
Me: So yours is only 720p maximum?
A: Yeah.
Me: But it's 40 inches?
A: I think so, yes.
Me: It seems like 40 inches is about large enough where you'd start to notice a difference between 1080 and 720.
A: Well, I bought it before 1080 was cheap enough to be worth it.
Me: It's never been a huge markup. You should have splurged.
A: You can say that. You're not married.
Me: Wait, weren't you trying to convince me to get married just yesterday and telling me how wonderful it is?
A: That's because my wife was there.
Me: Talking to married people is depressing....
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murlough23
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« Reply #234 on: December 11, 2009, 09:58:33 AM » |
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Too true, Vlad! People who have been married more than a few months seem to always have this need to makes jokes about the ol' ball and chain. Whetherh it's an indicator of some underlying dissatisfaction with their marriages, or whether it's just tongue-in-cheek conformity to popular perceptions of what marriage is like, is an exercise left to the listener.
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bethany
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« Reply #235 on: December 11, 2009, 10:06:26 AM » |
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Couples "joking" in public about how lame/inept the other person is or how horrible/restrictive their relationship is, is one of my pet peeves. So uncomfortable.
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murlough23
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« Reply #236 on: December 11, 2009, 10:07:43 AM » |
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Couples "joking" in public about how lame/inept the other person is or how horrible/restrictive their relationship is, is one of my pet peeves. So uncomfortable.
I'm fine with it if both sides can dish it out and take it, and if it's clear from their personalities that they're just sarcastic people who like that sort of thing. If it's just one person berating their spouse, even jokingly, then yeah, that's extremely uncomfortable. |
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« Reply #237 on: December 11, 2009, 02:07:34 PM » |
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[I'm carefully avoiding the minefield laid by the above conversation]
<Setting: A and B are talking about all this work A has to do because B wants to allocate memory>
B: And so then after you do that we will be able to allocate memory if we need to
A: Wait, "if we need to?"
A: If I do all that work and you don't allocate memory, I'm going to punch you in a ball.
Me: Wait, "a" ball?
A: It doesn't really deserve both, so yeah, just the one.
Me: It's kind of a package deal.
...a little while later....
C: My trackball's broken
Me: A probably punched it.
("package deal" was an intentional pun, BTW)
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If you don’t have freedom as a principle, you can never see a reason not to make an exception. There are constantly going to be times when for one reason or another there’s some practical convenience in making an exception.
rms
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eatenbytehworms
Inphrequent Poster
Posts: 67
Stolen Water is Sweet
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« Reply #238 on: December 11, 2009, 03:11:20 PM » |
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"yuckitskevin! AbsolutePunk.net misses you!"
--
Me and a Telemarketer
8:00 PM, 12 Mar 2009 at home
TM: [in a thick indian accent] ...so would you be interested in the free phone?
Me: let me ask you a question first.
TM: OK
Me: i heard that some companies hired telemarketers from other countries. is that true?
TM:um yeah. let me tell you the truth; i am from other country
Me: interesting. that's sort of cool. are you happy with your job?
TM: [pause] no.
Me: Then why do you it?
TM: because we are students. we need money. this is parttime.
Me: well, if you're so unhappy, you should get another job. you can do it! yay!
TM: uh ok. Would you be interested in a free phone?
Me: um i gotta go...
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Vlad!
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« Reply #239 on: December 14, 2009, 04:24:05 PM » |
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A: You missed B and I yelling at each-other on Facebook.
Me: I wouldn't say I missed it, necessarily...
A: It was on a variety of topics...Sarah Palin, 9/11 was an inside job, the need to express the self through consumption...
Me: Why were you yelling at each-other? I assume you both agree on those topics.
A: Oh, we do.
Me: Well, then...
A: If you were on Facebook, you would know.
A: How does that make you feel?
Me: ...morally superior.
A: Huh. Didn't see that one coming.
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If you don’t have freedom as a principle, you can never see a reason not to make an exception. There are constantly going to be times when for one reason or another there’s some practical convenience in making an exception.
rms
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