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« Reply #320 on: March 30, 2010, 09:58:25 AM » |
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<Talking about skydiving>
A: You don't feel like you're falling, like you do with a roller coaster.
Me: Presumably it's because you're not accelerating.
B: You're accelerating by gravity until you hit the air pressure.
A: No, you don't stop accelerating.
Me: I think what you guys are trying to say is that you are being accelerated due to gravity but once you hit terminal velocity the air pressure below you is equal to the acceleration due to gravity and you remain at a relatively constant velocity.
C: You feel like you're falling because your things are moving.
* C makes a hand gesture suggesting that by 'things' he's talking about internal organs *
Me: The only thing this conversation has taught me is that I want to throw all of you out of an airplane.
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If you don’t have freedom as a principle, you can never see a reason not to make an exception. There are constantly going to be times when for one reason or another there’s some practical convenience in making an exception.
rms
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Vlad!
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« Reply #321 on: March 31, 2010, 09:17:19 AM » |
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A: Hey, B, did you see this new severity thing on the code review tool?
B: No
A: You can mark your comments with various severities.
B: How normal people do this is by increasing the amount of profanity. The quality of a code review should be measured by the number of WTFs
Me: A, don't take advice from B about how normal people do things.
Me: That's like taking advice from Lady Gaga about how normal people dress.
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rms
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Vlad!
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« Reply #322 on: April 04, 2010, 02:01:39 PM » |
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<A and I are going to meet B and C for lunch>
A: I just got the weirdest text message from B.
Me: What's it say?
A: "I'm sitting on fart"
Me: What? Let me see that.
Text message: I'm sitting on far rt
Me: That means she's on the far right side.
A: Oh, that makes a lot more sense.
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If you don’t have freedom as a principle, you can never see a reason not to make an exception. There are constantly going to be times when for one reason or another there’s some practical convenience in making an exception.
rms
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Vlad!
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« Reply #323 on: April 05, 2010, 08:05:02 PM » |
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I got a chance to hang out with the vice president in charge of the piece of the company I work for today, along with some of my co-workers. Not because I'm particularly special but because I'm friends with the program manager and when he asks her to choose some engineers for him to chat with then she chooses people she knows and likes.
Anyway, he asked us "what are your pain points? What can be improved?". We spent some time talking about various things, and then one of my co-workers, who had clearly been simmering the entire time, chimed in about how the build system is bullshit and how it doesn't scale and how our simulators take too long to start up. He rants for about ten minutes. The VP says "OK, that's good to know".
As we're walking to lunch, my co-worker asks me "who was that guy, anyway?".
Reminds me of that scene in Office Space where Peter tells the Bobs what he thinks of the TPS reports, and they tell Lumbergh "we like him. He's a real straight shooter".
Meanwhile, my co-worker felt quite sheepish once I told him where on the org chart this guy was.
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rms
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murlough23
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« Reply #324 on: April 08, 2010, 04:35:39 PM » |
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Not sure if this counts as a quotation since I misheard it, but today I was at McDonald's and I thought I overheard a gentleman ordering a "Big Intestine Meal". This led to a succession of punchlines when I posted about it on Facebook.
Me:
Punchline A: Apparently this customer saw "Super Size Me", found out what was really in the meat, and said, "Sign me up!"
Punchline B: I don't think that's on the menu at McDonald's, but the Vietnamese place down the street could probably hook you up.
Punchline C: It's amazing, the complete and utter tripe my brain comes up with when I'm sleep deprived.
A Friend:
1) Cashier: One cow strips meal deal. Would you like to go large for just $0.50?
2) Cashier: Is that haggis for here or to go?
3) Includes a free stomach pump with every purchase.
Me:
Man, these jokes are offal.
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Vlad!
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« Reply #325 on: April 08, 2010, 05:06:51 PM » |
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What was the guy actually ordering?
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rms
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murlough23
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« Reply #326 on: April 08, 2010, 05:23:10 PM » |
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What was the guy actually ordering?
A Big & Tasty Meal. He had an accent. |
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Vlad!
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« Reply #327 on: April 14, 2010, 01:00:49 PM » |
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A: Hey, Nate!
* I ignore him *
A: Nathan!
Me: What?
A: Do people call you Nate?
Me: Not more than once.
A: What does that mean?
Me: Usually when someone calls me Nate I scoop out his kidney with a rusty spork and eat it in front of him.
A: Oh...
Me: Don't worry, I left my spork at home today.
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Vlad!
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« Reply #328 on: April 19, 2010, 05:07:00 PM » |
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A: Do we really need to run this test twice on every checkin?
Me: It's never bothered me that we run it twice, but it wouldn't bother me if we changed it to once either.
Me: Do you have any other questions you want helpful answers for.
A: Truly it is said, do not go to the elves for council, for they will say both "yes" and "no".
...A couple minutes later...
A: Is our stupid branch still locked? This new model with the thousand and one branches is pissing me off.
Me: You can check into any of the other thousand branches, you just can't check in to our one.
Me: And that was another helpful answer by Nathan.
A: I will destroy you.
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murlough23
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« Reply #329 on: April 19, 2010, 05:22:29 PM » |
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Sometimes a co-worker will Email the group to let folks know they'll be out of the office or address other scheduling issues, and the resulting smart remarks sent as "reply all" will get out of hand. Case in point:
A: Was at the doctor’s office most of the morning. I have a pretty bad eye infection so I’m going to work from home. I have to see the ophthalmologist at 1pm tomorrow so I will probably work from home tomorrow as well.
B: How many fingers do I have up?
Me: Given your usual demeanor, I’ll guess one.
C (almost simultaneously): One, and that’s very rude, B.
B: Now now… looks like you need a new prescription. It’s more than one.
D: But A wouldn’t see if it’s the first one through his eye until tomorrow.
Me: Apparently the clinical name for this eye disease is "Internet Explorer 6".
D: So we shall ignore all the styling missalignments on A’s sites for now (shhh, don’t tell A that)
A: I see, so I guess you’re going to tell me my bad eye sight is the reason why your slice n dice is out of alignment?
D: You are the only one who sees 1px “missalignments”, so I guess yes, it’s your “bad eye sight” to blame.
Me: I thought only the art department could see those.
B: Art department and quantum physics.
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« Reply #330 on: April 21, 2010, 09:48:28 AM » |
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A: I thought of a nasty hack that I'm going to do to make this easier.
* A describes nasty hack *
Me: It might make your job a little easier, but then some poor intern's brain is going to explode when he reads it.
A: Trial by fire.
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Vlad!
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« Reply #331 on: April 21, 2010, 12:21:04 PM » |
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<We have a beanbag with "HATE SACK" written on it>
* A throws the hate sack at a stuffed bee sitting on my monitor and misses horribly *
A: Christ!
Me: I don't think even he can help you with that.
A: He would be like "verily verily I say unto thee, you throw like a girl."
* I take another beanbag and write "SACK OF BROTHERLY LOVE" on it *
* I throw the sack of brotherly love at A *
A: Something about that just seems wrong...
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Vlad!
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« Reply #332 on: April 23, 2010, 09:30:04 AM » |
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Me: The secret to having people not stealing your crap is to have crappy crap.
Me: Why do you think I drive the car I drive?
A: When are you going to give up on that car?
Me: She never gives up on me. Why would I give up on her?
Me: She's about to roll over to 190k!
A: And once that happens you'll sell it?
Me: Nah, I'm going to stick with her until she dies.
A: You have to watch out for crazy women...they might try to take you with them when they go.
(I also contemplated how amusing it would be if someone had walked in at the end of that conversation, but fortunately for my reputation it didn't happen).
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rms
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Vlad!
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« Reply #333 on: April 23, 2010, 10:45:18 PM » |
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A: I feel like an idiot.
Me: Are you an idiot?
A: ...yes.
Me: Well, uh, maybe try to avoid situations that expose your idiocy?
A: That wasn't very encouraging.
Me: Sorry, I wasn't expecting you to say yes so I had to improvise.
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Vlad!
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« Reply #334 on: April 29, 2010, 01:34:23 PM » |
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A: ...making noises like baby cows!
B: Baby cows!
A: Not you, you retard.
A: ...no offense to the word retard.
C: Or people who are retarded.
D: Why did you look at me when you said that?
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rms
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murlough23
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« Reply #335 on: April 29, 2010, 01:57:59 PM » |
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Seen on a young man's T-shirt: "MAKE LOVE, NOT BABIES."
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Vlad!
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« Reply #336 on: May 03, 2010, 02:22:31 PM » |
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A: Hey, Nathan, you know what would be cool?
Me: If we cloned dinosaurs and could ride them around.
A: True...
A: You know what would be cool in a work context?
Me: My point still stands.
A: Touché.
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murlough23
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« Reply #337 on: May 03, 2010, 02:32:37 PM » |
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A comment I made this weekend, on the subject of naming conventions in Russia:
"Those Russian guys are all sons of viches."
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Vlad!
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« Reply #338 on: May 07, 2010, 10:22:40 AM » |
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A: So dude, you know how I figured out I was using the right build?
Me: How's that?
A: I tried the test, and it didn't panic.
A: Therefore it must have been the one with my fix in it.
Me: Indubitably.
A: Either that or there's some code in there that says "if user is A, enable random behavior".
Me: Oops, sorry, I added that bit a while back and forgot to comment it out.
A: I knew it.
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rms
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Vlad!
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« Reply #339 on: May 11, 2010, 12:58:15 PM » |
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A: How is is that you print the disassembly?
Me: x/i $pc
A: You're just a fountain of usefulness today.
Me: I guess...I think today I'm more of a wet napkin of usefulness at best.
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murlough23
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« Reply #340 on: May 11, 2010, 01:24:22 PM » |
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(From a discussion with co-workers about seeing gory/violent movies with people who are too squeamish to handle them)
A: When I bring my wife to one of those kinds of movies, it totally changes the viewing experience for me.
B: I know! I was watching 300, and the 9-year-old girl next to me kept screaming and covering her eyes. It was really awkward.
C: I wouldn't know; I don't date 9-year-old girls.
(Awkward pause, then communal laughter)
B: Well done.
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Vlad!
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« Reply #341 on: May 11, 2010, 01:56:52 PM » |
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I lol'd at that conversation, but it really does negatively impact the experience when parents bring children to a movie that is clearly age-inappropriate for that child.
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murlough23
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« Reply #342 on: May 11, 2010, 02:01:12 PM » |
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I lol'd at that conversation, but it really does negatively impact the experience when parents bring children to a movie that is clearly age-inappropriate for that child.
Yeah, this is one of my pet peeves as well. Though I don't see it as much personally, because I don't see R-rated flicks in the theater that often. (Anything with enough blood and gore to warrant an R, I avoid altogether, and if it's R for other reasons like language/nudity, it's usually a comedy or drama that I'll regard as more of a renter if it interests me at all. Like Sideways. I didn't miss out on anything by not seeing those penises on the big screen.) |
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murlough23
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« Reply #343 on: May 11, 2010, 04:08:20 PM » |
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In the fine print, on the New Pornographers CD I bought the other day:
"All Rights Reserved All Wrongs Reversed"
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Vlad!
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« Reply #344 on: May 12, 2010, 03:10:23 PM » |
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A: My son picked up two...
* A pauses *
A: I can't think of the word, so I'm going to say "ejaculations"
Me: Exclamations?
A: That's the one.
A: Anyway, he picked up one from me and one from my wife
* B starts snickering and is clearly about to lose it *
Me: ...continue
B: Stay strong! Stay the course!
A: I feel like this story has already won, and to say any more would just be an anticlimax.
B: Climax!
* B is practically falling out of his chair laughing *
Me: Sex has effectively removed far more than its fair share of words from our lexicon.
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rms
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Vlad!
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« Reply #345 on: May 15, 2010, 10:59:40 AM » |
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<I'm in Lowe's shopping for garden hose>
Me: Can you tell me where to find some hose?
Clerk: Dude, why would you go to a hardware store to pick up chicks?
Me: Um, excuse me? I'm looking for garden hose.
Clerk: Oh...I thought you meant hos..like, you know...bitches.
Me: You haven't worked here long, have you?
Clerk: No...
Me: Good luck.
(I found the hose on my own).
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rms
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enemy anemone
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« Reply #346 on: May 15, 2010, 11:10:16 AM » |
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Vlad!
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« Reply #347 on: May 19, 2010, 04:20:32 PM » |
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A: You'll be working with B and *struggles for name* the other Indian guy on the team.
Me: I don't think you can say that.
A: But it was funny.
Me: Half the team is Indian.
A: That's why it's funny.
Me: Oh. I was confused because of the whole "not funny" thing.
A: It was funny in my head!
Me: Lots of things are funny in your head.
A: Crap! I walked right into that one.
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Vlad!
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« Reply #348 on: May 20, 2010, 03:03:52 PM » |
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Me: So, I was reading this wiki page I wrote a while back [on the company wiki], and it says "as of today, November 7 2007" on it.
A: Wow.
Me: That's archaic.
A: What did you even know in 2007?
Me: I know, right? Now I'm feeling old.
B: You young kids are cute with your "feeling old". I was feeling old before you were born.
Me: Touche.
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Vlad!
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« Reply #349 on: May 26, 2010, 10:20:58 AM » |
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<Talking about anniversaries>
A: Going out for dinner doesn't cut it anymore.
B: Doesn't do it for you, huh?
A: I need a minimum of three days.
Me: A minimum of three days? That's a pretty high bar for a minimum.
B: Well, I understand. You need a day to just unwind, a day to hang out with your spouse, and a day to go out.
Me: But still, minimum?
Me: My minimum is a box of pizza in the break room. That's all it takes to make me happy.
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rms
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Vlad!
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« Reply #350 on: May 27, 2010, 01:18:21 PM » |
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<Our milestone ends today...we've all been working hard for long hours and are stressed out>
A, yelling: I don't want to work! I want to go home!
Me: Well it could be worse.
Me: For instance, you could be B. I assigned him a bug at midnight last night that needs to be fixed by midnight tonight.
B, pantomiming a banjo: Da da da da my life sucks da da da da.
Me, playing air trumpet: Doot doot doot.
B: We would make the best front porch band ever. We'd be in Tennessee in the 1800s. Singing songs about data storage.
B, still doing air banjo and in a country accent: So I have a probleeeeeem....with my scalable SAN araaaaaaaay.
A: You're right. It could be worse. I could be crazy, like you two.
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murlough23
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« Reply #351 on: May 27, 2010, 01:21:14 PM » |
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I think that movie would be called Deliverable.
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Vlad!
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« Reply #352 on: June 01, 2010, 05:31:26 PM » |
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Me: I have only ever really written one makefile, back in college. I just copy and paste it whenever I need one.
A: I think everyone does that.
Me: Actually, I probably didn't even write the one from college, I just copied the one the professor gave us in Introduction to UNIX.
Me: What if there has only ever been one makefile, ever?
A: And everyone else just copied it?
Me: Yes. The ur-makefile, written in 1973 by Richard Stallman.
(I later discovered that 'make' wasn't even written until 1977, and Stallman didn't write gmake until the 80s. Oh, well, it still made my co-workers laugh)
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murlough23
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« Reply #353 on: June 11, 2010, 02:28:49 PM » |
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To give you an idea of some of the banter between me and my co-workers, here are some examples of witty repartee between myself and a graphic artist, who has a reputation for coming up with naughty innuendos at unexpected times. Once, after someone else unexpectedly came up with the obvious naughty pun instead of him, I made the following observation:
Me: That sounds like something [Artist] would have come up with.
Artist: You guys must all think I'm a big perv.
Me: That's not true. You're not that big.
Yesterday, while he and I were discussing with a Project Manager why it was taking me so long to program around all of the quirks in the Artist's design:
Project Manager: You know [Artist] just loves to ruin your day by being an anal son of a bitch.
Artist: Hey, I thought you guys were paying me to be an anal son of a bitch!
Me: Don't bring your mother into this.
Later that day:
Me: We're launching the site at 6? I was supposed to leave at 6.
Artist: That's early for you. What's the rush, do you have an appointment with your proctologist or something?
Me: Yes, to figure out why I'm less anal retentive than you.
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Vlad!
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« Reply #354 on: June 16, 2010, 09:20:52 PM » |
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I helped a friend whose husband is out of town change a flat tire when it blew out on her way to church tonight (she's not normally the damsel in distress type, but she's preggers and didn't really want her water to break as she was trying to remove a lug nut from a tire on 540). After I finished, we had this conversation:
Her: ...and I'll tell all the single women at church that you were manly and saved me by changing my tire.
Me: Tell them that I did it wrong so that they don't call me when this happens to them.
I think she was also embarrassed that she had to call for help, but didn't want to blame the baby and play the pregnancy card, so when I got there she said:
Her: I would have done it myself, but I'm wearing my white pants.
I couldn't help laughing, but I figured I would be gracious and not call her on it. And who says chivalry is dead?
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« Last Edit: June 17, 2010, 08:15:16 AM by Vlad! »
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rms
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bethany
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« Reply #355 on: June 16, 2010, 11:02:42 PM » |
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Whoa, her husband is out of time? Like, stuck between eons or something?
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enemy anemone
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« Reply #356 on: June 16, 2010, 11:15:18 PM » |
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maybe he is like Gandalf, who strayed out of thought and time after defeating the Balrog!
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Vlad!
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« Reply #357 on: June 17, 2010, 08:15:51 AM » |
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Whoa, her husband is out of time? Like, stuck between eons or something?
No, he just didn't have time to help his wife. Either that or I can't type. One of the two...  |
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If you don’t have freedom as a principle, you can never see a reason not to make an exception. There are constantly going to be times when for one reason or another there’s some practical convenience in making an exception.
rms
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Vlad!
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« Reply #358 on: June 18, 2010, 09:07:53 AM » |
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A: I don't understand why you don't have a smartphone.
Me: I hate the phone in general. I guess it's the whole 'phone' part of the equation that bothers me.
A: We all have iPhones. Obviously we don't care about the phone part either.
Me: Huh?
A: One word: AT&T.
Me: Oooh. Good luck with that.
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If you don’t have freedom as a principle, you can never see a reason not to make an exception. There are constantly going to be times when for one reason or another there’s some practical convenience in making an exception.
rms
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Vlad!
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« Reply #359 on: June 22, 2010, 12:26:38 PM » |
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A: The managers slaved over that presentation.
Me: That's actually kind of sad. I liked it better back when I thought they hadn't put any work into it at all.
B: Nathan is on track to becoming a senior engineer, if his attitude toward managers is any indication.
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If you don’t have freedom as a principle, you can never see a reason not to make an exception. There are constantly going to be times when for one reason or another there’s some practical convenience in making an exception.
rms
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