Amusing quotations

[Vlad!]

Me, walking past A's cube from printer: Sequence diiiiiiagrams!
A, doing a little dance: Sequence diagrams!
Me, doing a little dance: Sequence diagrams!
B: You guys are the biggest nerds in a building full of nerds.

[Vlad!]

Me: Apparently, when taken orally, phenylephrine hydrochloride is about as effective as the placebo.
Me: And I just ruined my chances of getting the placebo effect by reading that.
A: You're looking at it the wrong way. Maybe sugar pills are just really effective decongestants.
Me: We can always hope.

[murlough23]

Background: I invited a bunch of friends on a hike last weekend. I had the following Email exchange with one of them, who couldn't make it:

Me: I'm planning on doing a lot of hiking this year, so if you want, I can keep including you in the invites. I know that with something so far away most folks will have to turn it down, but I'll probably do some near the beach or closer to home in the spring/summer.
Friend: yeah totally! i need to exercise!
Me: Yeah, don't we all?
Friend: lol well maybe not heidi klum
Me: Well, that's why I didn't invite her!

[Vlad!]

<One of my co-workers, A, is frequently being deposed by lawyers due to his software patents and petty disputes thereof>

A: This conversation will never die.
Me: Which one is that?
A: One I had in 2002 that lawyers keep asking me about.
Me (in song):
The deposiiiition, here we go
The deposiiiition, what a show
I know you're wiiiiishing
that we'd go awaaaaaaay!
But the deposition's here
and it's here to staaaaaaaay!
A: I will hunt you down, which won't take long since I can see you from where I'm sitting, and beat you to death with my keyboard.

(Clarifying link)
   

[Vlad!]

An amusing comment I saw in our code today:

/*
 * I have no idea what's going wrong here, so I'm hard-coding it to zero.
 *
 * If you can't check in something to be proud of, at least check in something:

And what follows is ASCII art of a dinosaur.

Nice.

(Sorry that my transparent terminal makes the background a little distracting).

[RedcoatJones]

As told to me by a friend who has a 2-year-old.

Setting: Southern cooking restaurant - chicken, veggies, all served family style. On the table is a bowl of tomatoes.

Two year old (who obvously watched a lot of Veggie Tales) looks in bowl. Gets concerned look on his face.

Boy: "Bob?"

Goes without saying, he refused to eat any tomatoes.

[Vlad!]

Haha, a reverse vegetarian!

[murlough23]

Not that VeggieTales in particular encourages kids to eat their veggies, but I've always been slightly disturbed by animated characters encouraging you to eat the type of object or animal that is talking to you.

[Vlad!]

Reminds me of the animal in Restaurant at the End of the Universe which asked the patrons how they would like itself prepared. I think it disturbed Arthur Dent so much that he ordered a salad

[enemy anemone]

every time I eat salad I think "eat leafs!", and several years ago I made this drawring.  



I know I don't draw very well, but I just like it and never threw it away. I think this makes me a bad person.  also, this:

[Vlad!]

My manager A came by my cube yesterday:

A: Why do you have wine corks all over?
Me: Well, B brought them in.
A: Why did he bring them in?
Me: Not sure, but I think he wanted to see how they worked when shot out of his crossbow. They didn't work so well, so I took some and thought that I might whittle them down to fit in my Nerf gun. But they don't whittle to well either, so now we just throw them at each-other.
A: I liked it better when I thought you guys were just drinking wine over here.

[murlough23]

A friend who lives in Taiwan posted a picture of herself in front of what I assume is a French restaurant called "L'Idiot".

My comment: "Are there dumb waiters there"?

EDIT: After posting this, I looked up "dumbwaiter" in Wikipedia, just to make sure I correctly understood the word's definition as a small elevator for carrying objects between floors. Turns out it's also a synonym for a Lazy Susan, which they would totally have in a restaurant in Taiwan. So my pun has multiple meanings! Score!

[Vlad!]

I think calling a Lazy Susan a dumbwaiter is dumb.

[murlough23]

I'm thinking of visiting Olympic National Park this summer. Some handy advice about wildlife in the park, from Wikitravel:

Another animal that needs to be watched out for are the elk. Although elk are herd animals, and not aggressive like their moose cousins, they can be extremely dangerous if they feel threatened. Only an idiot would threaten a herd of 50 elk though, so if you are not an idiot, you will be safe from these animals. (And if you are an idiot, then you get to take part in one of the most ancient aspects of nature - natural selection.)

[Vlad!]

I wonder how one makes an elk feel threatened? Insult it's momma?

[murlough23]

I wonder how one makes an elk feel threatened? Insult it's momma?

Approaching it at all might accomplish this. Bonus points for getting between the elk and its calf (or whatever baby elk are called).

We saw a moose while hiking in Alaska; it was a good 40-50 feet away, but I knew not to screw around with it.

[enemy anemone]

I wonder how one makes an elk feel threatened? Insult it's momma?

make elk-antlers and taunt "nah-nuh-nah-nuh-boo-boo".

[Vlad!]

A: Here's your new phone, sir.
*A hands me the toy phone from the former intern's cube*
Me: Why thank you.
* I press the green button *
Phone: Hi, is this A's mom?
Me: The phone is asking me if I'm your mom.
A: What?
* A listens to the phone *
A: That is a little disturbing, and now I'm sorry I even touched this phone.

[Apparently at some point in the past, one of us (and the sound quality is far too terrible to determine who it was) recorded "Hi, is this A's mom" on the phone. I'm not sure why, but that's the sort of thing that happens around here]

[Vlad!]

At my company, we have a stupid policy where every code change has to be reviewed. Actually, that's not the stupid policy; that one's fine. The stupid part is that the review notes need to be filled in as part of the bug report. Every week or so the statistics are gathered, and high-level directors and VPs see percentages per manager of how many bug reports have code review notes in them. As a result of this, managers often prod developers into filling in review notes, often for bugs that were fixed and forgotten months ago.

I filled in the review notes with the following story, which prompted one of my co-workers to reply to the e-mail with "good one!".

========== Code_Review_Notes ==========
1a2,34
> -- Author: nathanb  Date: Thu Mar 04 12:58:12 PST 2010---------------
> Let me tell you a story.
>
> One day there were two developers who sat within two cubes of each-other. Because
> the cubicle walls were removed, these developers could see each-other and speak
> to each-other at will.
>
> One developer attempted to do the right thing by sending an e-mail code review
> request, even though his changes were not substantial and affected only non-
> shipping simulator code.
>
> The other developer understood the changes and understood that they were minor
> in nature and caused no customer impact. Because of this, he simply yelled
> across the aisle to the first developer, informing him that the changes were
> good and could be checked in.
>
> The first developer checked in the changes. Though he tries to be good and do
> the right thing even when he thinks the process is stupid, he sometimes forgets
> when there is no e-mail thread he can point to or review board review to include.
>
> Though the first developer recognizes that it is his fault for not including
> code review notes, as the process suggests he should, he does feel slightly
> resentful at having to explain why his change does not have these notes even
> though he tried mightily to do the right thing and even though the second
> developer properly reviewed the changes.
>
> However, the first developer still has boundless love in his heart and willingly
> offers forgiveness to all, yea, even the ones asking him to jump through hoops
> that waste his time just so some metric in some meeting makes some manager look
> good.
>
> I have no formal code review notes, so all I can offer is this story. Any
> resemblance to actual people and events is purely intentional.

[murlough23]

Ha. I hope you softened the sarcasm on that one a bit before your manager actually saw it.

A co-worker and I have a running joke, born out of the annoying habit that computers have of doing what you say rather than what you mean, that we should develop a bit of a resuable code called "The 'Do What I Mean' tag". I was bored one day, so I decided to take a stab at it. (The following parodies the structure and syntax of ColdFusion code, but familiarity with programming languages in general should be sufficient to get the joke.)

Code:

<!--- DoWhatIMean.cfm --->

<!---
|| BEGIN FUSEDOC ||

|| Properties ||
Name: DoWhatIMean.cfm

|| Responsibilities ||
I do what the developer means, not what the developer actually tells me to do in the code! I exhibit advanced signs of
Artificial Intelligence. In five years, you'll all either be working for me, or dead by my hand.

|| Attributes ||
--> Tasks - a STRING denoting a LIST denoting a BUNCH OF THINGS TO DO THAT REALLY SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD!
--> Developer - a LUCKY-STUCKY
--> Customer - a REASONABLE INDIVIDUAL who NEVER CHANGES THEIR MIND
--> DeveloperReward - ARRAYS

|| END FUSEDOC ||
--->

<CFINCLUDE TEMPLATE="qry_ListDifficultCustomers.cfm">

<CFPARAM NAME="Attributes.Tasks" DEFAULT="#Application.ConvolutedProcedure#">
<CFPARAM NAME="Attributes.Developer" DEFAULT="David Martin">
<CFPARAM NAME="Attributes.Customer" DEFAULT="#ListLast(ValueList(qryListDifficultCustomers.CustomerName))#">
<CFPARAM NAME="Attributes.DeveloperReward" DEFAULT="#ListToArray("5%,10%,50%")#">
<CFPARAM NAME="Attributes.Output" DEFAULT="CompletedProject">

<CFSET Attributes.WhatIMean = "">
<CFSET Attributes.UnlistedFeatures = "">

<CFSET CurrentTask = ListFirst(Attributes.Tasks)>
<CFLOOP CONDITION = "ListLen(Attributes.Tasks) GT 0">

<CFMODULE TEMPLATE="WriteComplicatedCode.cfm"
DEVELOPER="#Attributes.Developer#" TASK="#CurrentTask#" INCLUDECOMMENTS="YouDamnWellBetter"
TIMETOWRITE="#Val(CurrentTask.TimeAllotted + (8 * CurrentTask.ChangeRequests))#"
OUTPUT="CurrentTask.Code">

<CFTRY>
<CFMODULE TEMPLATE="TestComplicatedCode.cfm" TASK="#CurrentTask.Code#"
DEVELOPER="#Attributes.Developer#" BROWSER="Internet Exploder">
<CFIF HasChangedMind(Attributes.Customer)>
<CFSET CurrentTask.Complexity = CurrentTask.Complexity/0>
</CFIF>
<CFCATCH TYPE="StupidMistake">
<CFOUTPUT><B>You dumbass.</B></CFOUTPUT>
<CFSET CurrentTask.BugsFound = (CurrentTask.BugsFound + 1)>
</CFCATCH>
<CFCATCH TYPE="ServerGlitch">
<CFOUTPUT><FONT SIZE="10" COLOR="red">What the HELL???!?!?!</FONT></CFOUTPUT>
<CFMODULE TEMPLATE="CallHelpDesk.cfm" TASK="#CurrentTask#" IMPORTANCE="Armageddon"
DEFAULT="NotMine">
<CFABORT>
</CFCATCH>
<CFCATCH TYPE="Any">
<CFSET t = CondemnToEternalPerdition(CurrentTask)>
<CFIF IsSeverelyAnnoyed(Attributes.Developer) OR HoursOfSleep(CurrentDeveloper) LTE 4
OR IsOnCrack(Attributes.Developer)>
<CFSET PrevDeveloper = Attributes.Developer>
<CFSET Attributes.Developer = Attributes.ProjectManager>
<CFIF IsSwamped(Attributes.Developer)>
<CFSET Attributes.Developer = PrevDeveloper>
</CFIF>
</CFIF>
</CFCATCH>
</CFTRY>

<CFIF IsCondemnedToEternalPerdition(CurrentTask)>
<CFSET t = Resurrect(CurrentTask.Soul)>
</CFIF>

<CFIF CurrentTask.BugsFound IS 0>
<CFIF ListLen(Attributes.Tasks) GT 1>
<CFSET Attributes.Tasks = ListRest(Attributes.Tasks)>
<CFSET CurrentTask = ListFirst(Attributes.Tasks)>
<CFELSE>
<CFSET Attributes.Tasks = "">
<CFSET CurrentTask = "">
</CFIF>
<CFSET Attributes.WhatIMean = ListAppend(Attributes.WhatIMean,CurrentTask.Code)>
<CFELSE>
<CFSET Attributes.UnlistedFeatures = ListAppend(Attributes.UnlistedFeatures,CurrentTask)>
</CFIF>

</CFLOOP>

<CFIF MakesSense(Attributes.WhatIMean) AND
IsEasyToUse(Attributes.WhatIMean) AND
IsUnderBudget(Attributes.WhatIMean) AND
(ListGetAt(Attributes.WhatIMean[4],16,"?") + 42) * ((8 + 15) - 23) GT 0>
<CFSET "Caller.#Attributes.Output#" = Attributes.WhatIMean>
<CFBEER>
<CFELSE>
<CFSET "Caller.#Attributes.Output#" = "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.">
<CFDUMP VAR="#Attributes.Tasks#">
<CFDUMP VAR="#Attributes.Budget#">
<CFDUMP VAR="#Attributes.ChargeNum#">
<CFDUMP VAR="#Attributes.Developer#">
<CFDUMP VAR="#Client.Credibility#">
<CFFLUSH>
</CFIF>

[Vlad!]

Ha. I hope you softened the sarcasm on that one a bit before your manager actually saw it.

My manager wasn't supposed to see it. However, I got the following response:

> Very amusing.  The only thing you forgot to do is removed everyone from the cc list of this bug except for nathanb. 
> That makes it even more amusing. 

Oops.

However, as proof that I work at the best place ever and the managers are cool, I got this from my former manager:
> Nathan,
>
> Thank you.  You've made my day!!!

I think the managers hate the process just as much as the developers do...

(One of my co-workers filled out all of his with strings of profanity, so my little story isn't going to ruffle too many feathers).

[murlough23]

However, as proof that I work at the best place ever and the managers are cool, I got this from my former manager:
> Nathan,
>
> Thank you.  You've made my day!!!

I think the managers hate the process just as much as the developers do...

Nice. Sounds like we have similar workplace cultures.

(One of my co-workers filled out all of his with strings of profanity, so my little story isn't going to ruffle too many feathers).

Some bits of the pseudo-code I posted above were tongue-in-cheek allusions to my habit of swearing profusely when a computer/server won't cooperate. (A few of the guys who sit around me do this from time to time as well.) Thus far no one has been offended, but I am a bit embarrassed when the management refers to my corner of the cubicle farm as "Cursing Corner", or advises that we take strategically timed lunch breaks when certain bigwigs come to visit/tour the facility.

[Vlad!]

B: Ahh, weekend.
A: I think you're off by a couple days.
Me: It's always Friday somewhere!
A: No. No it's not.
Me: Friday is a state of mind.
A: Better. But still wrong.

[Vlad!]

<A is going off on a rant, which he does about three times a week>

A: I am tired of listening to those three going around and around arguing about error escalation theory!
A: I'm not going to that meeting. I have wasted too much of my time listening to those guys.
B, from across the room: You would have wasted it anyway!
A: ...was he talking to me?
Me: If he wasn't, it was the most appropriate random comment ever.

[murlough23]

Today in a staff meeting at work, a co-worker in charge of Internet security gave me kudos for a website I built that passed "Penetration testing" with flying colors (meaning that no security holes were found despite deliberate attempts to hack the site in myriad ways).

Another co-worker quipped: "So now David Martin is synonymous with 'No penetration'."

[Vlad!]

One of my cow-orkers injured his leg playing indoor soccer. His manager, A, came by his cube to see how he was doing.

A: You should get a cane or something.
B: A pimp cane!
Me: A pimp cane!
Me, to A: Would the company pay for that? Could he expense it?
A: No, but insurance might cover it.
A: What makes a pimp cane different from a regular cane, anyway? Bling?
Me: I don't know, actually. Not my area of expertise.
B: We'll do some research and get back to you.

[RedcoatJones]

One of my cow-orkers injured his leg playing indoor soccer. His manager, A, came by his cube to see how he was doing.

A: You should get a cane or something.
B: A pimp cane!
Me: A pimp cane!
Me, to A: Would the company pay for that? Could he expense it?
A: No, but insurance might cover it.
A: What makes a pimp cane different from a regular cane, anyway? Bling?
Me: I don't know, actually. Not my area of expertise.
B: We'll do some research and get back to you.

That should make for some interesting conversations with the HR manager who's reviewing Internet browsing history....

[murlough23]

I thought pimp cane was what you used to sweeten pimp juice...

[Vlad!]

*I pull back the plunger on my Nerf gun, and it makes a clicking sound. Then I shoot at A, and he dodges*
A: Your cock is too loud. It alerts me.
Me: ...I'm going to pretend that you didn't say that in a highly disturbing way.
A: You need to get a silencer for the plunger.
Me: Actually, what you just told me is that I can destroy your concentration by cocking my gun. I don't even have to shoot.
A: *laughs*
*we go back to work. About a minute later, I cock my gun*
A: Argh! It works!

[Vlad!]

<Talking about hypothyroidism>
Me: Well, are you sure you're getting enough iodine?
A: We have iodized salt, right?
Me: Yeah, but do you salt your food?
A: Indian food is normally salty.
A: Or you can just jump in a pool and drink all the water.
Me: ...that's chlorine, and you will die.
A: Oh, right.

[Vlad!]

A: I get these insects that look kind of like fish in my tub sometimes.
B: You live in filth!
Me: Do they have approximately one billion legs?
A: Yeah, about that.
Me: Probably a Silverfish.
A: They die really easily. You just touch them and it crushes them.
Me: Maybe you are just really rough.
A: I feel kind of bad.
Me: Don't worry. If there's any insect that totally has it coming, it's Silverfish.
A: ....
Me: They think they're so much better than us, with their billions of legs.
Me, trailing off: Freaking Silverfish...

[enemy anemone]

I read something somewhere a long time ago about the fear of silverfish being more common among men than among women. I don't think this is true, but every time I hear about silverfish I wonder if the men are more afraid of them than the women are. like the woman goes "eek! a mouse!" and stands on a chair and the man goes and kills it, then the man goes "eek! a silverfish!" and stands on the commode and the woman goes and kills it.

edited for convolutedness.

[murlough23]

I would sooner go "Eek!" over a mouse than I would over most bugs. I can crush the bug and it's relatively un-messy. The rodent has substantially more blood and guts, and can bite me. It can also generally move faster. Even a dead mouse would probably gross me out. Bugs are like, who cares, just swat/stomp it and get it over with.

[Vlad!]

If I found either a silverfish or a mouse I would probably equally overreact, not in the "eek" sense but in the "I need to do something about this" sense, just because in both cases seeing one is often an indication of a larger problem.

(I am especially paranoid about bugs in my room, because I don't like the idea of them crawling on me while I'm asleep).

It's a tough call, though. Silverfish are super gross and mice aren't, but mice are harder to deal with because they tend to be harder to catch (they're small enough to have the agility advantage while large enough that they aren't extremely disadvantaged by their tiny legs). All in all I'd rather deal with a lone silverfish than a lone mouse, but I'd rather have a mouse problem than a silverfish problem.

[enemy anemone]

I think the article I had read called it revulsion and disgust. like you referred to silverfish as being super gross. I don't want to see a silverfish because it would indicate a problem, but I don't regard it as gross in itself. same with mouses.  but houseflies, I find them gross. but I'm not scared of them.  (I've never heard of anybody being afraid of houseflies.)

[murlough23]

Have you ever seen an elephant fly?

[enemy anemone]

I seen a house fly!

[Vlad!]

I guess? I don't know why I find silverfish to be gross. It just seems self-evident to me. I'm not sure I know why my gender would have anything to do with it, but hey, if some article you read says it then it must be true

[Vlad!]

I was recently reminded of an amusing quotation from a pictionary game I and some college buddies played over the weekend. It requires a bit of setup.

One player, Vy, had attempted to draw Eiffel Tower, which first involved drawing Paris on a map. Her rendition of Europe put Paris about where I would expect Lisbon to be, since she chopped off the entire Iberian peninsula (and in fact her Europe was so non-European that she had to draw America for context before I knew what was going on).

In any case, about two cards later I got "Rome". So I drew a significantly-more-accurate rendition of Europe (which was still not very accurate, but at least it was more accurate). Vy figured out what I was doing and started guessing European countries. So I put a dot in the middle of Italy and circled it. She was confused for a bit, and then said the following gem:

"Oh, Italy! Um...Paris!"

I almost missed the fact that she got it on the third try (Paris, Venice, Rome) because I was laughing so hard. Her excuse: "it was a mistake. That wasn't supposed to come out"

[Vlad!]

<...talking about Oracle HARD support>

A: Well, now we know which bug number made it impossible to get our HARD on.
B: Yes. Customers are complaining about our inability to get HARD working, but we'll get HARD back up in the next release.
Me: Truly, an embarrassment of riches of innuendo!
C: An embarrassment of bitches?
Me: If there were any here, they would probably be embarrassed right now, yes.