Possible child abuse case

[murlough23]

This is one of those moral quandaries where it's hard to tell whether to speak up or to not get involved. My wife works at a preschool, as many of you know. At times the school is understaffed, which can be stressful for the teachers who do show up on a given day. My wife has, on occasion, noticed a particular teacher losing her temper and getting rough with the kids. Not hitting them or anything, but just a bit too forceful when trying to physically move them from a place they're not supposed to be to a place that they should be. I don't think it's intentional malice on that teacher's part, but she has seen kids cry because of pain from their arms being yanked too hard, being pushed into a wall during a struggle, etc. Many of these kids are old enough to walk but not old enough to speak coherently (it's really more childcare than true "teaching"), so it's not like any of them can tattle on the teacher. An adult would have to be the one to say something about it.

I know that teachers have a legal responsibility to report "child abuse"; I just don't know if this qualifies. My wife knows enough about this fellow teacher to know that getting fired due to allegations of child abuse would likely have very negative repercussions on this woman's ability to work in childcare again, which in turn would have repercussions on a family that she knows is already struggling financially. (For example, if this teacher is sued or fined, does it just deplete this woman's meager savings, or does her husband become financially responsible if she can't cover the costs?) Also, legally, I believe you can't be countersued or anything like that for being a whistleblower on a child abuse case, but my wife still worries about her job environment becoming hostile if she does so and there's not enough evidence to substantiate it.

So, what do you think she should do? Speak up or shut up?

[chrisnu]

I would speak up, but personally to this teacher first. I know that would take a lot of guts. However, I think it would be better to try and stave this through reason other than public humiliation first.

[bloop]

She should speak up.  If made in good faith, she would remain anonymous throughout any investigation.

[Vlad!]

I agree with chrisnu.

I will add that the few times I've thought "should I confront a co-worker about this" and I have, I've never regretted it. I suggest she frame it not as child abuse, though; in these situations it's important to not get the other person too defensive.

Having been responsible for a herd of two-year-olds at church before, I will say that I understand the other woman's position. If you have a responsibility for a group of kids and they need to do activity x, having one kid not on the same page can derail the whole group. Sometimes kids will cry not because they're being hurt but because they were engaged in some activity and they don't like being disrupted (for example, there was one kid who really liked playing with large blocks. Unfortunately, his two favorite activities were hitting other kids with these blocks and standing on the blocks, which often led to falling off the blocks and hurting himself. He would cry like he was being wounded when we took the blocks away, even if we had never made physical contact with him at all. We were concerned about this behavior so we talked with his mother and she said "yes, you're not hurting him, he just does that. We're trying to work on that at home").

I'm not saying that I think your wife is necessarily mistaken or that the teacher's activities are justified. What I'm saying is that it's important to talk with the teacher in question first just to make sure that she is aware of this concern. It may be that she believes she is using reasonable force, while in reality this force may not actually be appropriate. If the first she hears of it is some administrator saying "you've been accused of abusing the kids; goodbye" then that's not going to help anything.

[murlough23]

I know that kids will cry over all sorts of things (because everything they see is theirs, in their minds) even if not physically harmed in any way. My wife deals with that every day. She knows what she's observing here in terms of the amount of physical force applied. She just isn't sure of the difference between the amount of force necessary to physically move a kid to the place where they belong and make them stay put, versus an excessive amount that could hurt the child. I think she's more worried about what will happen if this person continues to let her temper get the best of her. The thing is, she's kind of confrontation averse, and in this sort of situation where such a confrontation could seriously change the culture at work, I can't say I blame her.

[Vlad!]

The thing is, she's kind of confrontation averse, and in this sort of situation where such a confrontation could seriously change the culture at work, I can't say I blame her.

I know what you're saying, but I think in our minds we play out scenarios that are far worse than what would actually happen if we'd just knuckle down and do it. Presumably this woman is not completely unreasonable and has a reason for wanting to be a preschool teacher--a reason that I assume revolves around liking kids and wanting to help them. I think that if your wife uses a sufficient amount of grace and tact, she could address the issue in a way that doesn't provoke a confrontation. Honestly, speaking from my own experience I'm much angrier if someone goes above my head without even talking to me first than if someone just comes to me and says "hey, this might be a problem".

Personally, I have had success in the past presenting it in a light of "I think I might know something that can help you" rather than "I think you're doing it badly". For instance, if she were to say "Hey, I noticed that you sometimes have some difficulty getting child X to sit down and join the group. In my experience with him, you need to do Y instead", where Y is "lure him with treats" or "ignore him until his natural attention-seeking desire causes him to join the group of his own accord" or "ask him using this specific phrase his mother has taught him to obey".

Then again, my experience is mostly with male engineers, so I'm sure your wife can think of a much better approach than I can. I just want to convey that while I certainly think she shouldn't stand by and let the situation go on without comment, immediately escalating it to the woman's superiors is a pretty backhanded move. After all, how would she like it if a co-worker thought she might be doing something wrong and told her boss without any notice whatsoever?

[Vlad!]

So, out of curiosity, has she done anything about this situation?

[murlough23]

So, out of curiosity, has she done anything about this situation?

Not yet. She's observing to see if the situation continues the way it had been going. So far things seem to have calmed down and the person doesn't appear to have relapsed.