Baby Shower Controversy

[bethany]

hey guys...this was in this month's issue of Critique, the newsletter put out by ransom fellowship. i thought i''d put it here because i'm interested in what y'all think.

Here is a case study for discernment, based on a true story.

Your small group includes a woman--let's call her Mary--in her early 60s who came to Christ a couple of years ago. Her enthusiasm for Bible study, sharing Christ, and faithfulness in all of life is both refreshing and infectious. Unlike the Christians in the group, however, most of her closest friends are non-Christians, many of whom she has known for decades. Mary lives in a quiet neighborhood, and a natural extrovert, knows her neighbors well and interacts with them easily and naturally. A very hospitable person, she has for years hosted annual block yard sales, parties, and often has neighbors in for dinner. Two doors down from her live a lesbian couple who have been together for eight years and who take their relationship seriously. Though it was not a legally binding ceremony, five years ago they exchanged vows "until death do us part," and have remained faithful to one another. After the ceremony, Mary hosted a reception for them in her home. The couple is extranged from their extended families, who as Christians do not approve of their relationship.

Now, Mary extends an invitation to the small group, all members of your church, whom she considers her best Christian friends. Her lesbian friends have decided they want chlidren, and so one has been artificially inseminated and is due to give birth in four months. Mary is hosting a baby shower for them, and wants the small group to not only attend, but to help with decorating and the refreshments. Mary sees this as not only an opportunity to introduce her Christian friends to her non-Christian friends, but a chance for the people of God to join her in demonstrating love in a practical way to a couple who are too often maligned and shunned.

Mary was not expecting the stunned silence that followed her invitation, and was taken aback when two members said not only would they not attend, they thought her wrong to host the baby shower. The discussion--such as it was--went on from there.

All of which implies questions for reflection and discussion, a few of which I've listed here. ---Denis Haack

1. Would you attend the baby shower? Why or why not? Would you help Mary with the planning, decorating, and refreshments? What explanation from the Scriptures would you give to justify your decision?

2. To what extent should you take into account the fact that Mary is a young believer? If this matters to you, why does it?

3. If you would not attend the baby shower because of the couple's sin, what sins can a couple be openly guilty of which would be acceptable to you? List the various types of non-Christian couples for whom you would attend or refuse to attend a baby shower. On what biblical basis is the list based?

4. Most of Mary's friendships are with non-Christians. To what extent are you like her in this? What percentage of your close friends are non-Christians? How content are you with your life in this regard? To what extent does it follow Christ's example?

5. How would you handle the dispute that broke out in the small group over Mary's invitation? If the evening progressed so that you were pushed into a corner and try as you will, it appeared that someone would have to be offended--Mary or members who were considered long-term, mature believers--which of the two should you offend?

6. Some members of the small group--older, long-time Christians--decided that since Mary refused to cancel the baby shower they could no longer fellowship with her and so would have to leave the group. What would you say to them? Should Christians who disagree over such things be able to remain in the same church? The same small group? Why or why not?

7. Are Christians who attend the baby shower affirming the couple's lifestyle? Why or why not? What difference does it make?

8. To what extent should the possibility of being misunderstood by fellow Christians figure into these decisions?

9. The members of the small group who plan to attend say they cannot believe Christians would hesitate over this invitation. We should be as eager to go to this shower as we would to one given for a Christian couple--who are also sinners. Couples having a baby can use help; this couple, estranged from their families, needs friends; and Christians should be eager to not only attend but to be faithful friends over the long-haul of raising the child. Refusing to extend help and friendship if we dislike their choices or their moral or religious beliefs effectively cuts us off from those who need the grace of teh gospel. No wonder the world doesn't take our claims seriously. How would you respond? Why?

10. We should expect Christians to disagree at times, especially over issues that require discerning choices. What should that disagreement look like? Or to put it another way, what does it mean for Christians to disagree Christianly?

11. Some months after the shower Mary reports that she is now considered the lesbian couple's child's "grandmother." To what extent would the Christian community better reflect God's grace if more Christians were in such relationship?

12. To what extent are Matthew 6:12-15, Matthew 18:23-25, and Luke 7:36-50 relevant to this discussion?



there ya go. feel free to answer any or all of the questions or just discuss it generally. i'm interested in all of your thoughts.

[Vlad!]

1. Would you attend the baby shower? Why or why not? Would you help Mary with the planning, decorating, and refreshments? What explanation from the Scriptures would you give to justify your decision?
 

I'm not a big fan of baby showers in general (the women have a great time, and the guys stand in the corner and uncomfortably talk about sports or something), but in this case I may make an exception on principle. I would probably attend, and help if I had time.

2. To what extent should you take into account the fact that Mary is a young believer? If this matters to you, why does it?

Mary may be a young believer, but she's acting like a maturing Christian. I believe, as Paul says, that those who are strong in their faith should not look down on their weaker brothers and upbuild them whenever possible, and not cause them to stumble in their faith. So if I were to take it into account, I'd try to act on that principle.

3. If you would not attend the baby shower because of the couple's sin, what sins can a couple be openly guilty of which would be acceptable to you? List the various types of non-Christian couples for whom you would attend or refuse to attend a baby shower. On what biblical basis is the list based?

This isn't really applicable to me, since I would attend. Unless the couple were axe murderers or rapists or something (in which case they'd be hosting the shower from a jail cell anyway), it wouldn't be the sin that would drive me away.

4. Most of Mary's friendships are with non-Christians. To what extent are you like her in this? What percentage of your close friends are non-Christians? How content are you with your life in this regard? To what extent does it follow Christ's example?

I have a strong core of Christian friends and also some close non-Christian friends. Christ's closest friends were those who tried to follow Him and the Law, but He didn't shy away from those who were less accepted by society due to their lifestyle.

5. How would you handle the dispute that broke out in the small group over Mary's invitation? If the evening progressed so that you were pushed into a corner and try as you will, it appeared that someone would have to be offended--Mary or members who were considered long-term, mature believers--which of the two should you offend?

I enjoy offending mature believers by rocking the boat and poking little holes in their Christian bubbles, so this isn't really a tough question for me.

6. Some members of the small group--older, long-time Christians--decided that since Mary refused to cancel the baby shower they could no longer fellowship with her and so would have to leave the group. What would you say to them? Should Christians who disagree over such things be able to remain in the same church? The same small group? Why or why not?

If disagreements should separate believers than how the heck can Josh and I remain friends? I think the problem with the church is that we only want to fellowship with those who agree with us. I think Christians should not let a disagreement like this tear apart a small group. True Christianity is when you can have an intelligent debate over an issue and then pray and worship together afterwards.

7. Are Christians who attend the baby shower affirming the couple's lifestyle? Why or why not? What difference does it make?

Christians who visit jails to minister to inmates aren't affirming the crimes of those people. Christians who show love and acceptance to sinners who are normally rejected rather than embraced by the church aren't saying the sin is right, they're saying that the person is worthy of love despite their sin.

8. To what extent should the possibility of being misunderstood by fellow Christians figure into these decisions?

Although normally I say "do what you believe and forget what others think," it is important that you don't cause other Christians, especially young Christians, to stumble in their faith because of your actions. Just like I wouldn't show a movie with excessive swearing and nudity to a youth group, I would want to make sure that anyone who was concerned knew the reasons behind my actions. But I wouldn't let the risk of being misinterpreted get in my way.

9. The members of the small group who plan to attend say they cannot believe Christians would hesitate over this invitation. We should be as eager to go to this shower as we would to one given for a Christian couple--who are also sinners. Couples having a baby can use help; this couple, estranged from their families, needs friends; and Christians should be eager to not only attend but to be faithful friends over the long-haul of raising the child. Refusing to extend help and friendship if we dislike their choices or their moral or religious beliefs effectively cuts us off from those who need the grace of teh gospel. No wonder the world doesn't take our claims seriously. How would you respond? Why?

I would be one of the people saying this.

10. We should expect Christians to disagree at times, especially over issues that require discerning choices. What should that disagreement look like? Or to put it another way, what does it mean for Christians to disagree Christianly?

Well, it's usually utter chaos. I think it should be that way, at least some of the time. Chaos can be productive. But it should involve intelligent, rational thought, people giving reasons rather than rhetoric, and a lot of Bible-page-turning.

11. Some months after the shower Mary reports that she is now considered the lesbian couple's child's "grandmother." To what extent would the Christian community better reflect God's grace if more Christians were in such relationship?

Christians can't reflect God's grace at all if they're not present to do so...

12. To what extent are Matthew 6:12-15, Matthew 18:23-25, and Luke 7:36-50 relevant to this discussion?

I'm sure they're quite relevant, and I could even tell you why if I weren't too lazy to look them up

[smartash]

wow, bethany, that is a really cool article and list of questions. that is a really tough situation!

vlad, as always your answers are kickass and right on.

[BigBird]

i generally think that rejecting people because they sin is hypocritical and stupid

[Skrappybiskit]

On the other hand, would attending a baby shower for a lesbian couple be *condoning* their sin? I think that's the fulcrum of the argument. Because it's one thing to shy away from people because they sin, but it's another thing to condone and accept the fact that they are.

I can't say I've thought it through particularly well, but I would probably not go on principle.

Skraps

[bethany]

7. Are Christians who attend the baby shower affirming the couple's lifestyle? Why or why not? What difference does it make?


skrappybiskit, i don't know. *is* attending the babyshower condoning their sin?  

[Vlad!]

Thanks, Ash, I appreciate the support.

i don't know. *is* attending the babyshower condoning their sin?

Well, there are two ways you can approach this, assuming you believe that lesbianism is bad (and you might have a tougher time than you think proving that Biblically): you can refrain from attending the shower on, as Skraps says, principle. This will get the message across that you believe it is wrong. I'm sure these women are aware of what most Christians think of their relationship, and will not change their ways based on your action. You can also attend the shower. This has the potential of sending the message to other, less mature Christians that you are condoning or even supporting their lifestyle. However, this also shows acceptance to these people. It lets them know that they can be loved by Christians even though they are in sin. Perhaps you can then enter into a relationship where you can intelligently and openly talk about your feelings--and listen to their feelings--on the issue. Which of these is more likely to win two people for Christ?

And you have to remember, Christ did not say "whatever you did to the least of these, you did for me...except those freaking homos. Don't even touch those." By showing love to the stranger, the marginalized, the rejected by society, you are not just sitting behind a keyboard talking the gospel, you're out there living it.  

[bethany]

good thoughts, vlad. i was asking skrappybiskit because i'm interested in what he thinks about it being condoning their lifestyle, since he was the one who said he wouldn't go, on principle.

 

[Vlad!]

good thoughts, vlad. i was asking skrappybiskit because i'm interested in what he thinks about it being condoning their lifestyle, since he was the one who said he wouldn't go, on principle.

Yeah, but I thought I'd get my two cents' worth in anyway  =D