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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 14632 times)
murlough23
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« Reply #40 on: October 09, 2012, 09:32:58 PM »

(Here's one I saw on Facebook yesterday.)

There was once a wealthy, powerful Indian chief who had three wives.

One day a celebrated medicine man came to the village selling magical artifacts, which included a number of animal skins. Picking out one of the most expensive skins, the chief's first wife asked what it was.

"That moose hide," the medicine man replied. "Squaw who sleep under this hide bear husband a son." This sounded good to the wife, who bought the skin.

Not to be outdone, the second wife asked about an even more expensive skin. "That reindeer hide," the medicine man answered. "Squaw who sleep under this hide bear husband two sons." The second wife bought the skin.

The third wife inquired about the most expensive skin of all. "Ah. That strange hide from far away lands. Hippopotamus. Squaw who sleep under this hide will be loved by her husband, as much as many sons."

The other two squaws laughed at this, but the third wife bought the hippopotamus skin.

In due time, the medicine man's predictions came true. The wife who bought the moose skin bore a son, the wife who bought the reindeer skin bore two sons, and the wife who bought the hippopotamus skin was barren, but much loved by the great chief.

When he died, the chief split his wealth two ways: one half to be divided equally among his three sons, and the other half to go to his beloved wife.

And so the medicine man was right: The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
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Aaron
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« Reply #41 on: October 09, 2012, 09:41:51 PM »

Vlad's honda joke made me wonder if i was listening my dad tell a joke where i groan and shake my head
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« Reply #42 on: October 10, 2012, 03:26:55 AM »

It sort of reminded me of PaulDA.   happy
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Vlad!
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« Reply #43 on: October 10, 2012, 03:35:10 AM »

It sort of reminded me of PaulDA.   happy
Ouch...low blow.

Fine, fine, no more horrid jokes.
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Humans...have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.... We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay.
-Ed Hickling
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« Reply #44 on: October 10, 2012, 05:28:02 AM »

It sort of reminded me of PaulDA.   happy

His were much, much worse. I'd say my average pun is an order of magnitude worse than Vlad!'s, and one of Paul's was usually at least two orders of magnitude worse than mine.
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whim
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« Reply #45 on: October 11, 2012, 01:43:25 AM »

I miss his corniness. 
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Vlad!
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« Reply #46 on: October 11, 2012, 02:02:16 AM »

I miss him too, sometimes.

But my aim is getting better.
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Humans...have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.... We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay.
-Ed Hickling
murlough23
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« Reply #47 on: October 11, 2012, 02:02:47 AM »

I miss his corniness. 

That makes one of us.
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whim
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« Reply #48 on: October 11, 2012, 02:14:30 AM »

Perhaps I miss CMC in general.  Forums were new and exciting to me then.  laugh

Well-played, Vlad!.  (I'm always torn about the punctuation here.)
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murlough23
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« Reply #49 on: October 11, 2012, 02:29:18 AM »

Perhaps I miss CMC in general.  Forums were new and exciting to me then.  laugh

I've left (or been banned from!) a lot of the forums I used to participate in, so I miss the banter and hobby-specific interaction that a lot of those environments provided. I don't miss the arguments and pettiness, however.
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Vlad!
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« Reply #50 on: October 11, 2012, 02:46:36 AM »

(I'm always torn about the punctuation here.)

I like to treat the exclamation point as part of my name, making your punctuation correct. I'm not too picky, though Smiley
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Humans...have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.... We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay.
-Ed Hickling
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« Reply #51 on: June 04, 2013, 02:56:10 AM »

There was a shoemaker in Paris, which was a widower, and he was not very wise. Of him Scogin bought all his shooes, and on a time Scogin came to the shoemaker’s house to speak with him. The shoemaker was at dinner, and bad his maid say that he was not at home. Scogin, by the maid’s answer, perceived that her master was within, but for that time dissembled the matter, and went home. Shortly after, the shoomaker came to Scogin’s chamber, and asked for him. Scogin, hearing the shoomaker enquire for him, said aloud: I am not at home. Then sayd the shoomaker: what, man, think you that I know not your voice? Why, said Scogin, what an unhonest man you are! When I came to your house, I beleeved your maid that said you were not at home, and you will not beleeve me mine owne selfe.

Source
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Humans...have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.... We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay.
-Ed Hickling
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« Reply #52 on: July 19, 2013, 07:36:32 PM »

A man went to see his rabbi.
"Rabbi, I raised my son to be a good Jew," he said. I taught him the ways of Judaism. And now he wants to be a Christian. What should I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I had the very same problem. I raised my son to be a good Jew. I taught him the ways of Judaism. And he wanted to be a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the man.
"I asked God for guidance," said the rabbi.
"And what did God say?"
"He said, 'Funny you should ask ...' " .
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Humans...have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.... We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay.
-Ed Hickling
murlough23
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« Reply #53 on: July 19, 2013, 07:48:48 PM »

That's a good joke. Though we could have an interesting theological debate over whether Jesus was/is a "Christian". (Does He follow Himself?)
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Vlad!
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« Reply #54 on: September 24, 2013, 12:59:50 AM »

A man was stranded on a deserted island. He lived there for about a year, but one day a ship came by and he managed to get the attention of the crew. The ship sent out a boat to rescue the castaway. Before setting off back to the ship, the man showed the captain how he had lived for so long on the island. He walked into a large clearing with three structures.

"Y'see," said the man, "this house over here on the left is where I sleep. It's got a hammock, a roof over my head, and even a small table I can eat at when it rains.". He then points at the building on the right. "An' this here building is where I go to church."

"You are clearly a man of faith", the captain replied, "having built a church on your own island. So what is this building in the middle?"

"Oh," replied the man, "that's where I used ta go to church."
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Humans...have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.... We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay.
-Ed Hickling
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« Reply #55 on: September 24, 2013, 01:27:28 AM »

 laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh
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Vlad!
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« Reply #56 on: December 04, 2013, 03:11:58 AM »

A: The NSA!
B: What?
A: That's the punch line for a knock knock joke.
B: What about the first part?
A: The NSA don't knock.
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Humans...have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.... We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay.
-Ed Hickling
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« Reply #57 on: December 16, 2013, 08:20:29 PM »

An angel came down for a meeting of the American Philosophical Association. Greeting the assembled philosophers, the angel offered to answer a single question for them. Immediately the philosophers set to arguing about what they should ask. So the angel said, “Alright, you figure out what you want to ask. I’ll come back tomorrow.” And he left the philosophers to deliberate.

Some of the philosophers favored asking conjunctive questions, but others argued persuasively that the angel probably wouldn’t count this as a single question. One philosopher wanted to ask “What is the best question to ask?”, in the hope that some day another angel might make a similar offer, at which point they could then ask the best question. But this suggestion was rejected by those who feared that no such opportunity would arise and did not want to waste their only question.

Finally, the philosophers agreed on the following question: “What is the ordered pair whose first member is the best question to ask, and whose second member is the answer to that question?” Satisfied with their decision, the philosophers awaited the angel’s return the next day, whereupon they posed their question. And the angel replied: “It is the ordered pair whose first member is the question you just asked, and whose second member is the answer I am now giving.” And then he disappeared.
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Humans...have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.... We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay.
-Ed Hickling
Vlad!
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« Reply #58 on: February 21, 2014, 03:15:02 PM »

Q: What's the best part about living in Switzerland?
A: I dunno, but the flag's a big plus!
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Humans...have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.... We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay.
-Ed Hickling
murlough23
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« Reply #59 on: February 22, 2014, 07:39:03 AM »

While we're on the subject of geographical humor, when we arrived in Death Valley's Badwater Basin yesterday, at 282 feet below sea level, I quipped, "We've reached a new low."
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Vlad!
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« Reply #60 on: March 20, 2014, 05:03:31 PM »

A classic joke I heard again today:

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
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Humans...have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.... We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay.
-Ed Hickling
murlough23
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« Reply #61 on: March 20, 2014, 05:58:35 PM »

A classic joke I heard again today:

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

Heh, that reminds me of the joke about the statistic saying most car accidents happen within 5 miles from home. Clearly the solution is to move 10 miles away.
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Vlad!
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« Reply #62 on: November 07, 2014, 07:56:18 PM »

The German Chancellor was recently traveling to France. She was stopped at the border and had to fill out some immigration paperwork.

Name: Angela Merkel
Occupation: No, just visiting
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Humans...have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.... We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay.
-Ed Hickling
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« Reply #63 on: November 07, 2014, 08:01:21 PM »

Thnks to Saturday Night Live, this is how I picture Angela Merkel:
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Vlad!
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« Reply #64 on: March 09, 2015, 08:48:14 PM »

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
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Humans...have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.... We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay.
-Ed Hickling
murlough23
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« Reply #65 on: March 09, 2015, 08:49:50 PM »

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I groan heartily in your general direction.
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whim
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« Reply #66 on: March 12, 2015, 02:10:01 AM »

 laugh
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Vlad!
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« Reply #67 on: March 30, 2015, 05:18:59 PM »

Why should you always take two Baptists fishing with you?

Because if you take just one, he'll drink all your beer.
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Humans...have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.... We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay.
-Ed Hickling
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« Reply #68 on: September 25, 2015, 09:17:58 PM »

I saw this on the interwebs, and want it here so I can find it again:

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"Pope Francis," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who is that on the balcony with Dave?'
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Humans...have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.... We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay.
-Ed Hickling
Vlad!
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« Reply #69 on: March 28, 2017, 01:48:34 PM »

Three logicians walk into a bar. The waitress asks, “Do you all want beer?”

The first logician answers, “I do not know.”

The second logician answers, “I do not know.”

The third logician answers, “Yes.”
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Humans...have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.... We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay.
-Ed Hickling
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« Reply #70 on: March 28, 2017, 05:40:58 PM »

Rene Descartes walks into a bar.  The bartender asks if he would like a drink, and Descartes replies "I think not".  Then he disappears. 
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Vlad!
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« Reply #71 on: July 10, 2017, 06:35:26 AM »

I've been cleaning up some random stuff on my phone, and I found a note I wrote near the end of my flight to Auckland last month. This is after 18 hours of flying. I remember thinking of it and thinking it was the funniest thing I had ever heard so I had better write it down.

Q: What do people from New Zealand feel when they've been out of the country for a while?
A: Sheep deprivation!

I think sleep (not sheep) deprivation was the driving force behind that joke
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Humans...have a fundamental need to create and maintain a narrative for their lives in which the universe is not implacable and heartless, that terrible things do not happen at random, and that catastrophe can be avoided if you are vigilant and responsible.... We are vulnerable, but we don’t want to be reminded of that. We want to believe that the world is understandable and controllable and unthreatening, that if we follow the rules, we’ll be okay.
-Ed Hickling
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